TwentyOne (21)

I would love to just copy and regurgitate whatever I wrote in my 20th birthday post because I just realised that I still relate and I still stand by the same things that I previously mentioned in that birthday post. 

But this year is a little bit special because 1. I'm freaking 21. It's probably not that much of a big deal. I exaggerate too much. 

2. I'm back home and I get to celebrate my actual birthday with my family and friends here in Singapore. No more early or belated birthday dinners! 

Would first like to give some love and shout out to the following friends that have been so selfless and patient with me. I'm terrible at these things, and usually closer to the event date I tend to lose all excitement and give up. 

1. Thanks to Kevin, for always never failing on bringing my ideas to life in terms of beautifully created invites and the postcard as a door gift! Everyone loved them so much. 

2. Thank you Sufang, @fang_cakes for making the best cake and desserts for my 21st! I really wouldn't have anyone else bake my cake for my 21st. The earl grey berry cake was to die for and got completely wiped out at the party! Thanks for also turning my matcha brownie suggestion into real matcha brownies which tasted so good and perfecting the best batch of soft baked cookies I've had in a longgg while. Always feels good supporting a fellow TK girl and junior! :-) 

2. Thanks to Mistika, Marcus and Kayla for always being so positive and encouraging! Also kudos to them for waking up early to help set up the venue. I am eternally grateful. 

3. Obviously thanks to everyone that made it to the party. The title of the FB event was "IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT YOU" and it truly wouldn't be half as fun if you guys didn't show up. I would just be eating catered food for 30 alone in a huge function room. Not cool.

This year celebrating back home, I managed to finally celebrate my birthday with old friends that have seen me through since TK days together with the new friends that I've made in Melbourne, whom I have come to love and appreciate so much. Always something about being in a room filled with people you have met and come to love over the past years. 

Here I am, trying not to overuse the word love too much, but honestly, there aren't any better substitutes that can accurately describe how I feel this weekend. Last year was my last year celebrating in Melbourne, so it was more bittersweet than anything. I was gearing up to say goodbye to a lot of things in Melbourne. This time around, it feels a lot lighter and happier in a sense that this birthday isn't tied up with leaving - something that has been so present in my life the last 4 years. I was always leaving. I celebrate coming home, being back and finally entering adulthood. 

Tonight I finally had some time to myself to sit down and take in all that has happened the past 2 days. I was surrounded by a group of my closest friends yesterday and today, I was with my family members. The laughs I've shared with everyone, the hugs, wishes, conversations and gifts....  I can't even. While sending out my thanks and appreciation messages to my uncle and aunties, I found myself tearing up, overwhelmed by all the love I've received. It is so surreal and I am really very blessed. 

The last few days have been slightly hard to get by and recently a lot of conversations circulate around the topic of the future which is very ~uncertain~. Being someone that is afraid of uncertainty, I've been very anxious about a lot of work and career-related things, and after hearing all the advice my friends and family gave, to be honest, it makes me even more afraid but also comforted at the same time. It's probably weird now that it's typed out in words, but somehow it makes sense in my head. The thing that I've been trying to get myself to do is not to keep worrying. 

Someone once told me that the opposite of anxiety is trusting that life will turn out okay for you. That is so important but yet so hard for me to do!! I'm trying to slowly trust that life will turn out okay and that things will eventually fall into place. In the mean time, I'm appreciating all the support I'm getting from the best people God has placed in my life, people I'm glad to call my family and friends. 

Lastly, I'm thankful I finally get to have a solid birthday celebration with my OG fam cru. It's best feeling in the world, having our favourite chicken rice at some kopitiam on my 21st birthday.

My heart is now so full from the love that I received this weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me as I am.

It's a choppy post, I apologize.
Thanks for sticking it out here with me.

T O O K 2 0 Y E A R S T O .......

Like always, here's a post about my birthday. It's essentially the only time I actually feel like it's sort of okay to be this self-indulgent, narcissistic person, feeling loved by some of the greatest, most down to earth individuals, and of course, receiving heartfelt birthday cards/wishes/dedications always make my day a bit sweeter. 

It's almost like a tradition since I was 8 or 9, where I would sit down and write about how I celebrated my birthday in my scruffy old diary which then transitioned to posting on my old blogs when I was a teenager. Every birthday I always feel so blessed and grateful for the people that God has placed in my life, and I'm so glad they stuck around. This birthday was no exception. 

The Plan

Since it is my last year celebrating my birthday in Melbourne, I thought I would take it up a notch from not celebrating it at all, to having a simple home-cooked dinner with the closest friends I have here in Melbourne. Thought it would be cool to make these cool invitation cards, since I thought Facebook invites were slightly insincere (but then later on proceeded to create a FB event anyway, because, convenient). 

Shoutout to Kevin for helping me with the designs and materialising all my fantastic jokes into invites (L O L)!! Photo creds: My wonderful housemate and best friend, Shona. :-)

The Birthday

It was my first time organising a dinner for close to 20 people and it was hectic. I couldn't have done it without all the help I got from the best friends ever!!!! 

• Thank you Shona, Jodie, Kai and Arjun for helping with the deco prep

• Jean and Joanne (@jojeanandco) for taking care of the whole dessert table that was super instaworthy! 

• Daryl for cooking the curry chicken that everyone was raving about
• Gerald & Sherwynn for driving out to get more chicken because my estimation skills failed on me 
• Rui, Xin Ting, Xin Jie, Leo, Bel & Wern for helping me bring down all the chairs 
• Kevin and Jodie for being the photographers that evening

And of course, thanks to everyone for coming for dinner and helping to clean up afterwards!

I had such a great evening, spending my birthday with the friends that matter the most in Melbourne. 

I was asked to give a short speech and it was something that I was constantly thinking about the past few days leading up to my birthday, what do I say? How do I thank them for being such amazing human beings? Will I cry? Should I just say thanks and end it? 

Just when I was about to speak, I barely remembered anything that I rehearsed in my head the past few days, so I just told everyone that when it came to picking the people to invite to my birthday dinner, I sat down and made a list around the question of: If people were to ever turn their backs against me in Melbourne, who are the ones that will still stick around me through anything? Who are the friends that I can rely on the most? Hence this list of friends that I've grown to love and treasure over the past 4 years were the ones I had in mind.

(No guys, #timchel is still going strong in the brozone) 

From being so freaking afraid of turning 20 just a few years ago, and I quote freshly turned 17 year old Rachel,"... all I want to do is give everyone a tight hug and cry my eyes out and scream about 3 more years to 20 and I don't ever want to grow old" to actually embracing my age and all the shit that comes along with it. Leaving teenhood, almost being done with my last lap of my undergraduate degree, trying to be more adult-like attempting to get some wisdom, jobs and internships... stuff like that.

Turning 20 isn't that much of a nightmare. For now, I guess. In fact, I was reading through old diary entries that I scribbled through my tears or moments of rage on my Disney Princesses journal when I was 17. 16/17/18 was when I was very lost, jaded and constantly keeping myself in deep sinking holes, and in just a mere 3 years, I have realized that I defintely gained some clarity, found out more about myself - the things I like or dislike, and rooted certain things in place. As cheesy and cliché that sounds, it is true.

As much as I didn't want to let go of certain things that were pulling me down, I guess I did, and that's all part of growing up.

Every single year, I always tell myself "I don't know what I did to get friends like these. But I must have done something right." And this year, I'm saying it again. But one thing's for sure, these friends have been and will be the greatest supporters, they are the ones that have seen me through some shitty times and on so many instances where inadequacy was eating me alive, they provided me with the affirmation that I sometimes needed (I've also accepted the fact that everyone needs some affirmation and people telling them that they are good enough, and that I am NOT undeserving of it, hint hint: old rachel would always think otherwise).

I always talk about how people can subconciously save you from yourself and with that, I have these friends to be grateful for. From listening to me sob countless of times over school, people and unfavourable situations, to always being so selfless, providing a helping hand or giving me useful advice to help get over small bumps in the road, to accepting me for whatever flaws I have... it was always them.

For me, my birthdays are always used to celebrate the friendships I've forged over the years and it always, always serves as a timely reminder that I am indeed loved and I should always never be afraid to give, because friendships like these are worth it.

And, if the world turned their backs against me, I still have these people that I can rely on. ;-)

It was a wonderful start to my 20th year of existence, and I cannot be any happier. Although it was a bittersweet moment, knowing that this is the first and last time hosting a birthday dinner in Melbourne with all these friends I've met throughout my stay here, I enjoyed every single bit of having these people that mean so much to me congregate in one specific area. 

For some reason it felt like a bit of a goodbye party, since some of them graduate this year or the year after me, and a lot of them would probably not make it for my 21st, but all is good. I still have time and I should stop worrying about the future and just enjoy the present. New goals of the 20 year old me: Stop worrying so much. I haven't written out my feelings in quite a while so please excuse the word vomit and choppiness but I'm already trying my best to string these thoughts into sentences. :-(

Also! On my birthday, I got to oovoo with Jamie, Nicole, Jodie and Marcus and now we're officially maintaining a long distance friendship, with 4 timezones. The next oovoo session might be in a while, but I was so happy to talk to them and saying goodbye (even) on oovoo was such a hard thing to do. In the mean time, I wish that we will run bravely towards the things we want and that we will all be safe and come home to each other sooner than later. 

So many people have recently asked me how I've been doing and I have been giving them the widest smile and saying, "I'm okay."

It took a while to be okay and now that I am here, it feels so good. I may not be okay again in time to come and that used to scare the shit out of me, knowing that when there's a high, there would come a low soon enough. But 20 year old Rachel is now going to bask in this "okayness" and be glad about it. For now, I know that I am okay.

Cheers to the start of my twenties.