Final Sem Music Favourites

Have been listening to a lot of music lately and here's a playlist with allllllll my favourite music coupled with the right kind of vibes. My best friend told me that this playlist has been helping her get through her day and I can only say the same for myself. 

Since you guys come here to check up on what I've been up to, or just simply killing time- 

why not take a listen? 

I hope you find some of your future-favourite-songs. I love sharing music with friends. 

Also guys, once you go Spotify premium, you can never go back. 

Easter Break 2K16

The last Easter break here in Melbourne. 

It is always such a bittersweet feeling, knowing that it was the last one. 

Be back soon, y'all. 

Uni is always such a struggle :-(

15 Little Delightful Things

A few of the good things that have happened over the past week: 

1. Playing a game of very intense Monopoly at our place on Friday night

2. I woke up before 12 noon every day the last week

3. I even managed to wake up at 7 am to get Lune

4. Skyped my brother for 3 hours and mum for 2 hours

5. $2.15 honey soy chicken drumlets from Woolies for dinner

6. Possibility of dad coming to my graduation

7. My housemate cooked us beef stew on Monday and it tasted divine

8. Having friends text you out of the blue and ask how you're doing

10. Prayed to God about my group mate woes and the next day He answered my prayers (Thank You Jesus)

hang in there, there's lots of good stuff that happened this week - I'm almost done. 

11. Stayed home the whole of Saturday and lounged about in pjs and a make up free face

12. Attended the Melbourne Queer Film Festival with Jodie.
It was such an experience being part of something so inclusive, so welcoming and beautiful. Also bumping into our Media, Identity and Everyday Life tutor from last semester made my night. Turns out he was one of the judges for the Queer Short Film competition. It was also he who called out my name when we were walking out of the cinema, and being recognised by one of your favourite tutors is one of the best feelings, in my opinion.

13. Laughing so hard because Jodie said that our tutor probably thinks we're officially girlfriends now because he always sees us together, be it at tutorials, lectures, consults and queer film festivals. Defo lesbos.

14. My best friend, Mistika, found my favourite (it's in bold because that how much I freaking LOVE IT) Lipton Peach & Mango tea in the aisles of the supermarket in Singapore

15. Hot showers on Autumn nights here in Melbourne

This week I've learnt to find love in the small things. 

If I keep placing unrealistic expectations on myself and the things around me, I can never be satisfied with how everything plays out - regardless of how good I've actually got it. It's terrible, I know.

So the last week was all about placing aside my obsessive need to achieve unrealistic shitty goals I set myself up for. I've changed my take on viewing things a little this week and with wider eyes and a quieter mind, my heart is delightfully full. 

OMW

Recently I've met a few people that have told me that they've been keeping up with this space and my... rambles. It's always heartwarming to know people actually bother to check up on this dying space and my crappy attempt at trying to be coherent with my shit. Thanks guys, y'all the real MVPs. 

I'm trying to keep this space solely for things that keep my motivated, inspired and life lessons, you know, that kind of stuff. But honestly, I've been in a rut. 

It's been a long time since I've been motivated to write something interesting and lively because all I've been typing down into my other (more private and full of emotional shit) dumping-ground-blog is, emotional shit. Sad emotional shit. 

There's no point sharing sad stuff twice on two platforms right? That's just multiplying the sadness, which is completely unnecessary.  

The good thing is, I've decided to get my shit together! I'm using the word "shit" more than I actually should but my vocabulary is limited. I'm sorry. 

I've been trying to work on some things for this blog and putting together videos to actually make this space a bit more aesthetically pleasing because right now it's just flooded with words words words and MORE WORDS. I get tired of reading sentences too, so I thought perhaps some videos/photos in the next few posts would help. 

Thanks for sticking it out with my y'all. It's been a rough semester, lol just like any other semester.... and I'm also in the midst of trying to make adult-like decisions like where the hell do I go after graduating, that kind of life decisions... agh. 

2k16 is a little rough right now, but I'm hanging in there!! Be right back with some more interesting, colourful posts guys. I've been too much of a dull person the past couple of months. 

An Affinity With Eights: 821 / 809A / Unit 8

So today I moved out of one of the very few places that I've managed to call home here in Melbourne. 

4 hours. 

That's all it took to pack up and get out. I was angry at first, dashing for everything that I could claim as mine, reluctant to leave it behind despite having more than one rice cooker back at our new place. I simply could not let them have it. I didn't want to lose. For every pot, every utensil that I decided to keep and rip out from the cabinets they have lived in for the last year, it felt like I was collecting small bits of my dignity and pride, as if this were to tell them, look at how empty you are now that I am gone. You needed me. 

It's been an exhausting day for everyone, especially mum, Josh and myself. Before heading to bed tonight, I gently scooted over to Josh's side and thanked him for helping me pack and move. He nudged my stomach lightly and grunted. That was his way of saying you're welcome. 

When mum and I were laying in the dark, I thanked her for powering through the afternoon on barely any rest from our flight back to Melbourne, and she nagged on about things to get from the supermarket tomorrow and how I should be acting around my new housemate, girl ah, next time be a bit cleaner, he's a nice boy, you must learn how to accommodate and understand...That was her way of saying you're welcome.

Truth be told, I've been working and packing the whole day without even thinking. Finally at 3:08 am, I am finally having some time to collect all my emotions and letting reality settle in that these white walls I am staring at are no longer the ones at uropa. My view isn't the skyline of the city and the balcony can no longer see beautiful sunrises and sunsets. 

I miss every bit of that place. Not only because of its physicalities, but also because of the absurd amount of memories created in there. I can't even begin listing them. I am afraid I might start crying and my heart will feel heavier than it already is. I know it's terrible placing sentimental value in something so vast, so fleeting and so concrete. 809A will never budge, but I will move one day, thus depositing so many memories in there will eventually come back and haunt me if I were to ever step in that unit again. 

This new place is ... familiar, but it doesn't feel like home. It's still unsettling. I still feel uneasy and unable to fall asleep on this weird bed that is now mine, and this view that isn't the city skyline. Perhaps this is what first nights feel like. I've forgotten. 

The only reason why I'm up writing this is because my heart is heavy and unsettled and there's that weird sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe it was having dinner at 12:30 am that's causing all this discomfort. It's that feeling as though this space isn't mine to occupy and I'm just borrowing a few square metres of this area to hold in all my shit I've accumulated the past 4 years here. To also hold all the contents of myself in this space, denoted by square metres, and the rental of this space to be paid on the 25th of every month. 

Perhaps it's the overwhelming feeling when recalling today's moving situation: 4 of my girlfriends and my new housemate frantically moving boxes and just things up and down from my apartment to the car and from the car to my new apartment. Some of them lugging empty luggages over to my apartment just to help fit more of my shit and all walking over to my new apartment with all of my shit because the car was too full of shit that it couldn't fit any of us anymore. Seeing Jodie rush over to meet me after school, helping to basically unpack and organise my whole room, was a sight which reminded myself that these friends are true gems in my life. I don't deserve any of this kindness, I am so full of shit most of the time it was hard to digest everyone's selflessness and willingness to help me out today. 

Perhaps it was also the moment when I saw my mother falling asleep on the couch, lightly snoring. It is then I realised that she had barely enough sleep on the plane ride to Melbourne earlier on, but was quick to help pack up my whole house in the afternoon with no breakfast, no lunch and no coffee. A mother's love is deeply moving and so, so selfless. It should never be underestimated. I recall that night that I fell into her arms and sobbed my eyes out, heaving into her wet shirt, because I was so bummed out about this moving situation, losing a close friend and was overwhelmed by guilt that she had to come over, but she hugged me and stroked my head, as if I was 9 again, and told me that it was going to be okay. She will help me. 

So tonight, I am going to head to bed telling myself that it is going to be okay. Mum and josh and all these wonderful friends are here to help me. This place will soon feel a little more like home soon. 

I would like to say I'm homeisck but I'm not sure where is home anymore. 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: OF IMPROMPTU PHOTOSHOOTS AND LOTS OF MAKEUP

Okay let's face it: anyone who knows me will know that I LOVE my makeup. Whether or not it's an issue about living up to feminine beauty standards or low self-esteem or just being simply vain - we'll leave this discussion for another day. 

This year I've started reaaaallly getting into smoking up (....wait for it lol) the eyeshadows. Holler at HeyClaire and Clothesencounters for being such amazing beauty gurus, making me think that if I did my makeup like theirs I would somehow magically look somewhat like them. Tried it but didn't work out. Should've known. 

On the first day of our spring break, Shona - my housemate/best friend, was asking about how I fill in my brows. And I was like omg I'll try to fill it in for you! 

That was the start of our smashing Friday night. 

It started with just the eyebrows, which she really liked and kept exclaiming omg how did you DO it?!?! And then with the overflowing compliments about my eyebrow-drawing skills, it made me feel as though I was heyclaire/clothesencounters, like wow am I actually good with make up?? 

So it became a full blown let-me-give-you-a-freaking-makeover type of thing. It was a super girly night, with chart toppers playing on spotify while doing her makeup and I was raving about how much I L-O-V-E-D this particular brand of eyeliner. (3CE Gel Eyeliner, y'all. 100% recommend)

When I asked her what look she wanted to go for, all she said was "go full out la, since we've already come this far. All out sua." And I did. 

After the makeover, I couldn't bear to let her wash it off that quickly, so I suggested that we take some photos to capture the moment since she isn't the type to put on such heavy makeup. We also hung up my birthday streamers in the living room that evening, but sadly one of the hooks gave way which explains the weird streamers in the background....sorry. We wanted to see how nice the photos would come out with the streamers serving as a backdrop, and I guess it came out pretty well! 

Anyway, this girl has definitely been such a blessing in my life the past 2 years or so, I don't even know where or how to start. We're the only ones that would crack the lamest jokes and laugh at them, with everyone else clearly judging us. There's always those few people that can get your funny and she's one of them for me. I'm so glad that we're housemates because the apartment doesn't feel as cold as it should in winter anymore- not because we now have affordable heating (unlike College Square), but because her company cheers me up on bad days and makes my good days even better. 

We make a good team, and she's taught me many things like how to be more organized (look ma, I clean and cook now!), how to be grateful for the small things and her positivity is so contagious. Don't know what I would do without her and how different my life in Melbourne would have turned out to be like. 

Wherever you go, I believe, there's always a few people that you know are the ones that keep you grounded. They will try to protect you from the bad things, and celebrate with you when good things happen. Shona's one of them and I can never be more grateful for having such a wonderful human being as a housemate and best friend. 

Thank you for being so spontaneous, doing photoshoots like these and allowing me to slap on a load of makeup onto your face, feasting 24/7 together on Korean food despite food cravings hitting only at 1 am. For being so empathetic, letting me unload any stress or unhappiness in between sobs and still hugging me so tightly (recall: After my marketing paper last sem lel). And thanks for just, everything else in between. 

Just today, we both slept in and woke up to cook a simple lunch at 3 pm, and had our lovely weekend chats- which I realised that these relatively long chats only happen on weekends because that's the only time we really actually have to sit down and talk about things going on in our lives. Halfway through sharing our childhood stories, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind, kind of a mini-revelation-shooting-star type of thought? I don't know a better way to phrase it. But anyway, it was something along the realisation of omg we really never run out of things to talk about and something about realising how much I treasure this friendship that we have. 

Call it sappy and cheesy but this is me being 100% honest, translating this afternoon's food-coma-and-good-conversations-thoughts into words, haha. I try. 

Too many times I have told many people that I can't wait to get out of Melbourne and fly back home into the loving arms of my family, but I always get reminded that there are indeed friends here in Melbourne that are worth coming back for. What I actually really mean is: I can't wait to get out of UNI. Melbourne really isn't as bad as I paint it to be, I honestly love this city, but I guess sometimes school work and my own negativity just messes with my perspective. But here I am today, writing about how lovely it is to get to meet friends that I can be 100% myself, in a country so far away from home. Mum always tells me to be thankful that God places these people in your life and she is so right. 

Uni is always a drag and coming home to someone on a long and hard day is, I feel, the best thing. It's almost coming home to family and I am so so glad that it's Shona that I get to come home to. She also kills the moths and flies intruding our house now, while I hide inside her room screaming support and giving her advice about how to kill the insect. USE THE SPRAY THINGY THAT I BOUGHT!! OMG WHACK IT!!! USE THE PAPER!! OMG, IS IT DEAD YET? DID YOU KILL IT?? That is truly when you know you've got a gem of a friend, y'all. 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: TULIP FESTIVAL || WITHOUT THE BITTER THE SWEET ISN'T AS SWEET

 

As much as I try to keep this space a place where I write about happier things and better days, it's hard. It was a bad day yesterday, with shitty feelings, tears and all. Called my mum up in desperation to try to talk things out with a mature adult with a bigger perspective than mine. But the thing is, when talking to a mature adult with a bigger perspective than yours, is that no matter how nicely they try to phrase things, it just makes you feel as though your feelings are completely irrelevant and it!! will!! all!! be!! okay!! soon!!!!!! A little bit of the whole "Ah, we've been there done that, kid. You'll turn out fine." My problem with that sentence/attitude is that YES OKAY I get that you've been there, which is essentially where I am - HERE, so please enlighten me how do I get OUT of here? 

I'm not trying to say that mum was shit at hearing me out, if anything, ever since I told her more about everything that has been going through my mind since June/July this year, we've never been closer. Mum's a great listener and comforter, but I just couldn't place a finger as to how I felt the whole day yesterday. It was kind of like waking up on the wrong side of the bed, with these thoughts that were constantly pushed allllll the way to the back of my head suddenly deciding to roll out, sweep the dust off themselves and try to occupy 99.9999% of my mind again. Absolute shit. 

Fast forward to today, I was hanging out with Jean and she brought up a question that really got me thinking, when you're having a bad day, what is your remedy? What do you do to make yourself feel better? 

My answer was simple, really. I don't. 

It was something I never really observed about myself, that whenever I was feeling shit about something, I would always find ways to make myself feel worse. Is this even something sane to do? I don't even know, haha. Be it watching 10 sad Thai film advertisements, or crying through a sad Korean film, or eating out of the ice cream tub, I would do anything that made myself feel worse, and allow everything to amplify throughout my body and my mind......... as though it was sort of self-inflicted? 

Jean kept quiet for a while after hearing my answer and said, "but there must be something that would help you feel better again!" Sleep, of course. Or hanging out with my friends, if I was in the mood to. Reflecting on those 2 solutions trying to alleviate the shittiness, it could essentially be summarized into 1 theme: distractions - which I'm still trying to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing for me. 

Anyway, like I said yesterday to my mum on the phone while trying to hold back the tears, "On most days I am okay with how things are with me and how things are around me. But on some days, like today, I'm not. I feel as though I'm the one with the problem, and there's nothing I can do to change that." 

I always tell myself that in order to feel like I am the catastrophe, I am the mess or I am the problem, there must be a degree of self-indulgence and obsession, right? It's funny because for someone that has little to no self-worth/confidence, to be able to constantly think about myself is such a sickening thing to do. NTS: This thought has officially resurfaced, welcome back lol. All in all, it's still a loooong process y'all, of trying to figure things out. Yesterday felt like 10 steps backwards for me, which was disappointing, given all the progress that I thought I've made so far. 

But like all other bad days, it will really come to pass. I had a great dinner with some wonderful friends last night and had a food coma afterwards. I also woke up early today, made it to church, hung out with Jean, Kai came over to watch Unbreakable and I had homecooked Indian dinner courtesy of Arjun's mum and grandma to finish off the day. I'm okay now, like the other 99% of the time, with how things are. 

I've also planned out my week and hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. The feeling of being able to strike things off your To-Do list has got to be one of the best feelings, in my opinion. And this week, I'm all about that good vibes. :-) Bad days come and go, and I guess looking through these Tulip Festival photos remind me that bad days kind of make the good days seem even better, you know? (Without the bitter the sweet isn't as sweet type of thing)

Rant over, thanks for sticking through this post, y'all. Cheers to the better days ahead! 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: CHERRY HILL BLOSSOMS

Now that our mid-semester (which isn't that "mid" after all) break is over, I am officially suffering from mid-sem break withdrawals. I guess now we're back to finding it hard to get out of bed and getting to school on time. 

Why is it so much easier to wake up early and explore, rather than to wake up and make it on time for that lecture or tutorial? Ugh. So I guess what better way to get over mid-sem withdrawals than to blog about what I did over the break? ..... right? Smart choice. 

On the first day of our break, Shona and I made an impromptu decision to head out to see the cherry blossoms at Lilydale, approx 45 min drive out from the city. We were sitting at home, lounging around and lamenting the fact that we really never did get to explore Melbourne as much as we would like to. I was on Facebook checking out the events that I randomly clicked "going" (yes I'm the type that clicks attending but only because I want to keep it in my view juuuust in case I actually want to go), and saw the Cherry Hill Blossom event and just said, "OMG let's go." 

The rest they say is history. 

Not. 

1. We didn't have a car. 2. We didn't really want to ask friends since it was sort of a last minute decision to head out. Therefore, we decided to be economical travellers and use public transport instead. We took the train out to Lilydale, which was about 50 mins, and then took a 15 min cab ride to get to the place which was $56 there and back in total. 

It was a tiring journey out and we only had 2 packets of pocky biscuits, 2 packets of kiddo biscuits, 2 chocolate bars and water to last us the entire day when we went exploring. #economical, or what? #stayhungrygotravel #wonderlust #anythingfornicephotos 

Okay sorry, the hashtags got out of hand. But you know what I mean. Shona and I concluded that heading out of the city the way we did was something that was fun and refreshing at the same time. It may be time-consuming, but with the right company, it works out. I had so much fun exploring and soaking up the atmosphere and scenery, I barely checked for the time. Given that there was shitty reception as well, all the more it made us live in the moment and not constantly be living behind our phone screens. (Tech detox is a real thing, y'all)

I also decided to play around while editing the photos, trying to see how I can make these photos look more "moody" with more "feel", I honestly hope it looks okay! I'm still a noob at editing photos, but one step at a time, right? Though I must say, filters really do help with enhancing the mood of a photo. Mindblown. 

(I took waaaay too many closed-eye shots) 
(1. The sun was killing my eyes 2. I was afraid to look at the 128193 bees buzzing around my head)

Overall, I thought the visit to CherryHill Orchid was worth it. From the long travel time to the hunger pangs we tolerated because we didn't want to get there when it was closing. I wouldn't mind doing it all over again. (Okay, but I'll be sure to pack more snacks instead hehe)

Too many times we get comfortable in the places that we are familiar with, and even though I've said countless of times that I'm the type that is always ready to get up and go out to explore, I'm not. I definitely get too comfortable lazing around the house or sticking to boring routines, that the thought of getting out and doing something different might require a bit more effort, which is something that I initially wasn't down for. However, this trip out of the city reminded me again why getting out there is something that I thoroughly enjoy. This trip out was spontaneous, it was a rash decision made with promise to wake up by 8 am to catch the train out (We caught the train only at 12 noon but it's okay, A for effort). 

I got reminded again about the thrill of traveling and just having a different view for your eyes to feast on, is something that is sort of therapeutic and calming all at the same time. I'm not sure if there is any better way to put it. 

Anyway, there's going to be a few posts about spring break 2k15, because, Tulip festival and Perth all happened as well. I thought it would be a good thing to write about them, so I can look back and recall the amount of fun I had :-) 

Can't wait to fill this space up with more words and pictures!