TwentyOne (21)

I would love to just copy and regurgitate whatever I wrote in my 20th birthday post because I just realised that I still relate and I still stand by the same things that I previously mentioned in that birthday post. 

But this year is a little bit special because 1. I'm freaking 21. It's probably not that much of a big deal. I exaggerate too much. 

2. I'm back home and I get to celebrate my actual birthday with my family and friends here in Singapore. No more early or belated birthday dinners! 

Would first like to give some love and shout out to the following friends that have been so selfless and patient with me. I'm terrible at these things, and usually closer to the event date I tend to lose all excitement and give up. 

1. Thanks to Kevin, for always never failing on bringing my ideas to life in terms of beautifully created invites and the postcard as a door gift! Everyone loved them so much. 

2. Thank you Sufang, @fang_cakes for making the best cake and desserts for my 21st! I really wouldn't have anyone else bake my cake for my 21st. The earl grey berry cake was to die for and got completely wiped out at the party! Thanks for also turning my matcha brownie suggestion into real matcha brownies which tasted so good and perfecting the best batch of soft baked cookies I've had in a longgg while. Always feels good supporting a fellow TK girl and junior! :-) 

2. Thanks to Mistika, Marcus and Kayla for always being so positive and encouraging! Also kudos to them for waking up early to help set up the venue. I am eternally grateful. 

3. Obviously thanks to everyone that made it to the party. The title of the FB event was "IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT YOU" and it truly wouldn't be half as fun if you guys didn't show up. I would just be eating catered food for 30 alone in a huge function room. Not cool.

This year celebrating back home, I managed to finally celebrate my birthday with old friends that have seen me through since TK days together with the new friends that I've made in Melbourne, whom I have come to love and appreciate so much. Always something about being in a room filled with people you have met and come to love over the past years. 

Here I am, trying not to overuse the word love too much, but honestly, there aren't any better substitutes that can accurately describe how I feel this weekend. Last year was my last year celebrating in Melbourne, so it was more bittersweet than anything. I was gearing up to say goodbye to a lot of things in Melbourne. This time around, it feels a lot lighter and happier in a sense that this birthday isn't tied up with leaving - something that has been so present in my life the last 4 years. I was always leaving. I celebrate coming home, being back and finally entering adulthood. 

Tonight I finally had some time to myself to sit down and take in all that has happened the past 2 days. I was surrounded by a group of my closest friends yesterday and today, I was with my family members. The laughs I've shared with everyone, the hugs, wishes, conversations and gifts....  I can't even. While sending out my thanks and appreciation messages to my uncle and aunties, I found myself tearing up, overwhelmed by all the love I've received. It is so surreal and I am really very blessed. 

The last few days have been slightly hard to get by and recently a lot of conversations circulate around the topic of the future which is very ~uncertain~. Being someone that is afraid of uncertainty, I've been very anxious about a lot of work and career-related things, and after hearing all the advice my friends and family gave, to be honest, it makes me even more afraid but also comforted at the same time. It's probably weird now that it's typed out in words, but somehow it makes sense in my head. The thing that I've been trying to get myself to do is not to keep worrying. 

Someone once told me that the opposite of anxiety is trusting that life will turn out okay for you. That is so important but yet so hard for me to do!! I'm trying to slowly trust that life will turn out okay and that things will eventually fall into place. In the mean time, I'm appreciating all the support I'm getting from the best people God has placed in my life, people I'm glad to call my family and friends. 

Lastly, I'm thankful I finally get to have a solid birthday celebration with my OG fam cru. It's best feeling in the world, having our favourite chicken rice at some kopitiam on my 21st birthday.

My heart is now so full from the love that I received this weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me as I am.

It's a choppy post, I apologize.
Thanks for sticking it out here with me.

Wern Han Turns 22!

There are only a few friends that I've met here in Melbourne that I'm so glad to find true friendships in and God seemed to have blessed me greatly in this department, because the Choo siblings are one of them. 

It's been a year since we started to get to know each other and shout out to Wern for being my saviour during our summer school, coming up to my apartment to kill the huge bugs flying around. We've shared countless of fun memories throughout the year and having him roll around on my apartment floor laughing so hard he cried, that night on Kai's birthday, is a sight I will never forget. 

I think, one of my favourite memories of us will always be the one that we still laugh about till today - our valentine's day dinner at Killiney's Kopitiam during summer school. It was meant to be a dinner, which didn't occur to us that we coincidentally fixed it on valentine's day itself. And we still laugh about the time where that lady tried to sell us roses and we so cooly brushed it off. Twice. I also joke about how after that crappy dinner at Killiney's, I wanted froyo but you said it was too far a walk and we should just go home and continue studying.

  

Thank you for also spending your first hour of being 22 walking with Bel over to my place to come and get me because I felt really unsafe in my apartment after everything that had happened the past couple of days. 

See, I am always stuck whenever I'm in a situation where I need help, so I stare at my contacts list for far too long, scroll my whatsapp conversation list way too down and I can still never seem to find that one friend whom I can call for help. Thankfully, I've got these 3 people that were so ready to help me out immediately. 

"Pack whatever shit you need to stay safe and come down. We're reaching soon."

Happy Birthday, Wern. I always get nagged at for being too emotional, too soft and always being too nice to people who don't even deserve it. But thank you for being you- your honesty, reliability and words you can give to me as a friend is something I am always so grateful for. I am so happy for you because you finally got the girl of your dreams, that you so patiently waited for and sought after with such certainty. I have never seen someone so certain of someone at the age of 21. I am constantly amazed whenever I see you two together now. 

You have taught me many small but impactful lessons, through your actions and the way you handle situations in your life. One thing, I think, that I've learned from you is that good things happen to good people in time to come. Your level of patience and determination is something that I really need to start acquiring, so thank you for showing me that these characteristics are essential in conquering whatever things life may throw at you. 

Stay rad, stay fab Wernie. 

Rock on. 

An Attempt At Structuring Things

BODY.

1. 

When they called me regarding the PO, my excitement only lasted for a short while and to be honest, to be very honest, if I were to see myself heading back there for work, I'd dread it almost every day. But I'm glad they called. Because this is exactly what I wanted the day I signed myself up for this internship. My efforts weren't put to waste, so this is what I wanted. I should be content. I am, I am, I am. I am enough. 

Tonight I am so overwhelmed by the sudden outpour of concern and love from the people in my life. An acquaintance- a uni senior, caught up with me over text and was nothing but supportive, in terms of encouraging me in my studies to my new apartment and settling down, to job offers in the future. I also shared the good news to whoever I thought helped me pull through the internship- very important people, and I am just so grateful and to be honest, pleasantly surprised by all their supportive messages and calls. External validation isn't something that I crave for, but all these affirmations from these various friends and family members have been nothing but wonderful. I never knew that sharing good news with friends can trigger such reactions from them. 

2. 

I've finally settled into my new apartment and everything is starting to fall into place and hopefully by the end of the weekend, I will be able to fully settle in. I've filled up the fridge with some of my favourite things that I've missed so dearly and there is just something fulfilling about running errands and making a space feel a little like home. 

3. 

Tonight when Jodie and I were shopping, we went to 3 different supermarkets to try to find our favourite Peach and Mango Lipton Tea, but the first 2 supermarkets we went to didn't carry them anymore. 

And similar to the time when my favourite muesli went out of production, how I constantly gave up looking down the cereal aisle by the second time I couldn't find it, I did the same with the tea by the second supermarket we went to. 

But friends like Jodie, they are the ones that drag my hand down the cereal aisle and constantly tell me, "you can find it if you look hard enough. Let's just try walking down the aisle one more time." Keep looking, keep trying.  

By the third supermarket we went to, obviously defeated, I didn't expect much when we walked down the tea aisle. Just like how I expected it to be, the tea wasn't there. "Out of production la," I said. "It's sad how you take these things for granted. You think that they would be in your life for a little longer, but then suddenly one day you come back for it but it's gone. For good." I scoffed a bit, and laughed at how things could become so deep so quick over our fricking favourite tea going out of stock. 

Then suddenly Jodie excitedly shouted for me, "Look! The new tea is on sale!" You see, Jodie and I LOVE aesthetically pleasing packaging on food, and when visiting the tea aisle in 2 different supermarkets, we noticed this new range of teas that Twinnings released, and wanted to try them. But we didn't let go of the hope of finding the peach and mango tea and the new twinnings tea were slightly out of our budget, so we joked and said, "buy when it goes on sale." 

We quickly grabbed the new twinnings tea and got all excited to try the new tea. I turned my head to the direction where all the Lipton tea boxes were arranged at and I told Jodie, "I guess this is life telling us when one door closes, another will open up. See? Like better tasting tea and more aesthetically pleasing packaging will come to us. ON SALE SOMEMORE!!!!" 

She laughed and told me, "So sometimes you gotta let go of things that might never come back, despite it being your favourite. And for all you know, there'll be better things waiting for you just around the corner, like this tea! Just search hard enough and be patient." 

#mcnuggetsofwisdom attained from going to the supermarket thrice in a day searching for tea.

Also, I guess it's like what they always say?? Third time's a charm. Ha.

4. 

Hearing from someone that you have been missing is always pleasant. It's been a while since there has been nothing but well wishes and honest words. It is everything I miss and it's nice to know that they still care about how you've been doing and cannot be happier when you've achieved something so great with their help. 

CONCLUSION. I

Tonight just further emphasised how it has always been you. 

CONCLUSION. II

It has been a rough start to my day, with Mum and Josh leaving, crying on my bed watching the small uber car icon on google maps move slowly away from me on my phone. Rachel, you always love to set yourself up in situations to make yourself feel even worse , Jodie always tells me. However, the evening had a wonderful turn to it and I found myself tearing up because of all the love I've been receiving from everyone and how everything seems to be finding its place here and there. It's not quite right yet with things, but baby steps right? 

If people have that much faith in me, I guess I should start believing in myself a little bit more.

Here goes nothing -deep breath-

The Feeling That Lingers / Goodbye Sean

Mourning over the loss of someone is such a weird feeling that I still can't get a grasp of. Regardless of how close we were, or how often we met, or how the some of the only memories we shared were something we couldn't even remember ourselves and had to have our parents remind us - like the time we showered together as kids in the same bathtub, causing the both of us to be embarrassed when we met again when we were 17 and 22. The feeling of loss is still something that I can feel moving through every corner of my soul and the only words I could muster out was, "my condolences", regardless of how rarely we met.

The closer we were, the longer the feeling of loss lingers around in me, that's all. 

I'll miss you. And I know you'll be remembered because your mother dedicated her whole life to taking care of you. What will she do now? She was always worrying over you, hovering and watching your every step. Your father never really got himself involved, but I guess his way of taking care of you was by providing for the whole family financially. Your brother used to act like he didn't give a shit, probably because he never got the attention he wanted because you were sick for a very long time, but he grew older and understood the painful situation that the whole family was going through so he started to love you more each day. 

They all say that it was about time you go because you've really been fighting a long battle that not a lot of people can imagine going through at such a young age. The surgeries, the medication, the pain... the loss of youth. You are only 25 after all. 

I'm glad that we got to share that Thailand trip with you and your mum back in 2012. We had great fun and I'll always remember that night where Josh and I screamed and ran around in circles in our room because there was a frog in the toilet, and you rushed over asking us if we were okay and laughed when you saw our flustered expressions after realising that it was only because of a frog. 

You caught the frog for us and let it go. 

I will also remember the look of determination on your face when we were playing archery that afternoon. When you saw Josh try it, my dad egged you on, "Have a shot, Sean. You've got nothing to lose!" Your mum, as usual, worriedly rejected the idea of having you pick up a bow because your left hand has been shaking ever since your last op. She said that it was something that you were really self-conscious about in front of people. 

Your mum's words didn't stop you that afternoon. My dad managed to convince you to pick the bow up and have a shot. Your hands shook uncontrollably while all of us tried to ignore it like you know, how we sometimes notice a clear difference in how someone acts/behaves/looks but we try to ignore that and treat them all the same? I know I did it that afternoon.

Despite being self-conscious about your shaking hand, the look on your face showed none of that and only seriousness. Probably only sighs of frustration could be heard when you couldn't get the arrow to rest properly on the bow, though that didn't stop you at all that day. You were focused on getting that bow to work the way you wanted it to, and after a couple of tries, you finally managed to shoot one. Into the pond. Every one of us cheered the loudest we could. 

These were the best memories but sadly the only ones that I shared with you. The last time we visited Thailand, your mother said that you were too sick in bed to get out of the house anymore. We didn't even get the chance to visit you then. 

Rest in peace, Sean. Thank you for showing me what fearlessness and positivity meant from your perspective. I know that now you'll be able to walk with your own legs, eat and speak without your mother worrying about you and you'll be able to pick up that heavy archery bow without your left arm shaking.

Your soul has left this sickened body and now, you are free. You are a courageous young soul, and I hope that you're enjoying yourself up there in heaven.

We'll miss you, Sean. 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: OF IMPROMPTU PHOTOSHOOTS AND LOTS OF MAKEUP

Okay let's face it: anyone who knows me will know that I LOVE my makeup. Whether or not it's an issue about living up to feminine beauty standards or low self-esteem or just being simply vain - we'll leave this discussion for another day. 

This year I've started reaaaallly getting into smoking up (....wait for it lol) the eyeshadows. Holler at HeyClaire and Clothesencounters for being such amazing beauty gurus, making me think that if I did my makeup like theirs I would somehow magically look somewhat like them. Tried it but didn't work out. Should've known. 

On the first day of our spring break, Shona - my housemate/best friend, was asking about how I fill in my brows. And I was like omg I'll try to fill it in for you! 

That was the start of our smashing Friday night. 

It started with just the eyebrows, which she really liked and kept exclaiming omg how did you DO it?!?! And then with the overflowing compliments about my eyebrow-drawing skills, it made me feel as though I was heyclaire/clothesencounters, like wow am I actually good with make up?? 

So it became a full blown let-me-give-you-a-freaking-makeover type of thing. It was a super girly night, with chart toppers playing on spotify while doing her makeup and I was raving about how much I L-O-V-E-D this particular brand of eyeliner. (3CE Gel Eyeliner, y'all. 100% recommend)

When I asked her what look she wanted to go for, all she said was "go full out la, since we've already come this far. All out sua." And I did. 

After the makeover, I couldn't bear to let her wash it off that quickly, so I suggested that we take some photos to capture the moment since she isn't the type to put on such heavy makeup. We also hung up my birthday streamers in the living room that evening, but sadly one of the hooks gave way which explains the weird streamers in the background....sorry. We wanted to see how nice the photos would come out with the streamers serving as a backdrop, and I guess it came out pretty well! 

Anyway, this girl has definitely been such a blessing in my life the past 2 years or so, I don't even know where or how to start. We're the only ones that would crack the lamest jokes and laugh at them, with everyone else clearly judging us. There's always those few people that can get your funny and she's one of them for me. I'm so glad that we're housemates because the apartment doesn't feel as cold as it should in winter anymore- not because we now have affordable heating (unlike College Square), but because her company cheers me up on bad days and makes my good days even better. 

We make a good team, and she's taught me many things like how to be more organized (look ma, I clean and cook now!), how to be grateful for the small things and her positivity is so contagious. Don't know what I would do without her and how different my life in Melbourne would have turned out to be like. 

Wherever you go, I believe, there's always a few people that you know are the ones that keep you grounded. They will try to protect you from the bad things, and celebrate with you when good things happen. Shona's one of them and I can never be more grateful for having such a wonderful human being as a housemate and best friend. 

Thank you for being so spontaneous, doing photoshoots like these and allowing me to slap on a load of makeup onto your face, feasting 24/7 together on Korean food despite food cravings hitting only at 1 am. For being so empathetic, letting me unload any stress or unhappiness in between sobs and still hugging me so tightly (recall: After my marketing paper last sem lel). And thanks for just, everything else in between. 

Just today, we both slept in and woke up to cook a simple lunch at 3 pm, and had our lovely weekend chats- which I realised that these relatively long chats only happen on weekends because that's the only time we really actually have to sit down and talk about things going on in our lives. Halfway through sharing our childhood stories, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind, kind of a mini-revelation-shooting-star type of thought? I don't know a better way to phrase it. But anyway, it was something along the realisation of omg we really never run out of things to talk about and something about realising how much I treasure this friendship that we have. 

Call it sappy and cheesy but this is me being 100% honest, translating this afternoon's food-coma-and-good-conversations-thoughts into words, haha. I try. 

Too many times I have told many people that I can't wait to get out of Melbourne and fly back home into the loving arms of my family, but I always get reminded that there are indeed friends here in Melbourne that are worth coming back for. What I actually really mean is: I can't wait to get out of UNI. Melbourne really isn't as bad as I paint it to be, I honestly love this city, but I guess sometimes school work and my own negativity just messes with my perspective. But here I am today, writing about how lovely it is to get to meet friends that I can be 100% myself, in a country so far away from home. Mum always tells me to be thankful that God places these people in your life and she is so right. 

Uni is always a drag and coming home to someone on a long and hard day is, I feel, the best thing. It's almost coming home to family and I am so so glad that it's Shona that I get to come home to. She also kills the moths and flies intruding our house now, while I hide inside her room screaming support and giving her advice about how to kill the insect. USE THE SPRAY THINGY THAT I BOUGHT!! OMG WHACK IT!!! USE THE PAPER!! OMG, IS IT DEAD YET? DID YOU KILL IT?? That is truly when you know you've got a gem of a friend, y'all. 

T O O K 2 0 Y E A R S T O .......

Like always, here's a post about my birthday. It's essentially the only time I actually feel like it's sort of okay to be this self-indulgent, narcissistic person, feeling loved by some of the greatest, most down to earth individuals, and of course, receiving heartfelt birthday cards/wishes/dedications always make my day a bit sweeter. 

It's almost like a tradition since I was 8 or 9, where I would sit down and write about how I celebrated my birthday in my scruffy old diary which then transitioned to posting on my old blogs when I was a teenager. Every birthday I always feel so blessed and grateful for the people that God has placed in my life, and I'm so glad they stuck around. This birthday was no exception. 

The Plan

Since it is my last year celebrating my birthday in Melbourne, I thought I would take it up a notch from not celebrating it at all, to having a simple home-cooked dinner with the closest friends I have here in Melbourne. Thought it would be cool to make these cool invitation cards, since I thought Facebook invites were slightly insincere (but then later on proceeded to create a FB event anyway, because, convenient). 

Shoutout to Kevin for helping me with the designs and materialising all my fantastic jokes into invites (L O L)!! Photo creds: My wonderful housemate and best friend, Shona. :-)

The Birthday

It was my first time organising a dinner for close to 20 people and it was hectic. I couldn't have done it without all the help I got from the best friends ever!!!! 

• Thank you Shona, Jodie, Kai and Arjun for helping with the deco prep

• Jean and Joanne (@jojeanandco) for taking care of the whole dessert table that was super instaworthy! 

• Daryl for cooking the curry chicken that everyone was raving about
• Gerald & Sherwynn for driving out to get more chicken because my estimation skills failed on me 
• Rui, Xin Ting, Xin Jie, Leo, Bel & Wern for helping me bring down all the chairs 
• Kevin and Jodie for being the photographers that evening

And of course, thanks to everyone for coming for dinner and helping to clean up afterwards!

I had such a great evening, spending my birthday with the friends that matter the most in Melbourne. 

I was asked to give a short speech and it was something that I was constantly thinking about the past few days leading up to my birthday, what do I say? How do I thank them for being such amazing human beings? Will I cry? Should I just say thanks and end it? 

Just when I was about to speak, I barely remembered anything that I rehearsed in my head the past few days, so I just told everyone that when it came to picking the people to invite to my birthday dinner, I sat down and made a list around the question of: If people were to ever turn their backs against me in Melbourne, who are the ones that will still stick around me through anything? Who are the friends that I can rely on the most? Hence this list of friends that I've grown to love and treasure over the past 4 years were the ones I had in mind.

(No guys, #timchel is still going strong in the brozone) 

From being so freaking afraid of turning 20 just a few years ago, and I quote freshly turned 17 year old Rachel,"... all I want to do is give everyone a tight hug and cry my eyes out and scream about 3 more years to 20 and I don't ever want to grow old" to actually embracing my age and all the shit that comes along with it. Leaving teenhood, almost being done with my last lap of my undergraduate degree, trying to be more adult-like attempting to get some wisdom, jobs and internships... stuff like that.

Turning 20 isn't that much of a nightmare. For now, I guess. In fact, I was reading through old diary entries that I scribbled through my tears or moments of rage on my Disney Princesses journal when I was 17. 16/17/18 was when I was very lost, jaded and constantly keeping myself in deep sinking holes, and in just a mere 3 years, I have realized that I defintely gained some clarity, found out more about myself - the things I like or dislike, and rooted certain things in place. As cheesy and cliché that sounds, it is true.

As much as I didn't want to let go of certain things that were pulling me down, I guess I did, and that's all part of growing up.

Every single year, I always tell myself "I don't know what I did to get friends like these. But I must have done something right." And this year, I'm saying it again. But one thing's for sure, these friends have been and will be the greatest supporters, they are the ones that have seen me through some shitty times and on so many instances where inadequacy was eating me alive, they provided me with the affirmation that I sometimes needed (I've also accepted the fact that everyone needs some affirmation and people telling them that they are good enough, and that I am NOT undeserving of it, hint hint: old rachel would always think otherwise).

I always talk about how people can subconciously save you from yourself and with that, I have these friends to be grateful for. From listening to me sob countless of times over school, people and unfavourable situations, to always being so selfless, providing a helping hand or giving me useful advice to help get over small bumps in the road, to accepting me for whatever flaws I have... it was always them.

For me, my birthdays are always used to celebrate the friendships I've forged over the years and it always, always serves as a timely reminder that I am indeed loved and I should always never be afraid to give, because friendships like these are worth it.

And, if the world turned their backs against me, I still have these people that I can rely on. ;-)

It was a wonderful start to my 20th year of existence, and I cannot be any happier. Although it was a bittersweet moment, knowing that this is the first and last time hosting a birthday dinner in Melbourne with all these friends I've met throughout my stay here, I enjoyed every single bit of having these people that mean so much to me congregate in one specific area. 

For some reason it felt like a bit of a goodbye party, since some of them graduate this year or the year after me, and a lot of them would probably not make it for my 21st, but all is good. I still have time and I should stop worrying about the future and just enjoy the present. New goals of the 20 year old me: Stop worrying so much. I haven't written out my feelings in quite a while so please excuse the word vomit and choppiness but I'm already trying my best to string these thoughts into sentences. :-(

Also! On my birthday, I got to oovoo with Jamie, Nicole, Jodie and Marcus and now we're officially maintaining a long distance friendship, with 4 timezones. The next oovoo session might be in a while, but I was so happy to talk to them and saying goodbye (even) on oovoo was such a hard thing to do. In the mean time, I wish that we will run bravely towards the things we want and that we will all be safe and come home to each other sooner than later. 

So many people have recently asked me how I've been doing and I have been giving them the widest smile and saying, "I'm okay."

It took a while to be okay and now that I am here, it feels so good. I may not be okay again in time to come and that used to scare the shit out of me, knowing that when there's a high, there would come a low soon enough. But 20 year old Rachel is now going to bask in this "okayness" and be glad about it. For now, I know that I am okay.

Cheers to the start of my twenties.