Epiphanies are relatively rare occurrences and generally follow a process of significant thought about a problem. Often they are triggered by a new and key piece of information, but importantly, a depth of prior knowledge is required to allow the leap of understanding.
Yesterday I had an epiphany. It was about a problem that I knew I had for a very, very long time, but just never attended to it. Actually, it was never thought about and always shoved at the back of my head with excuses after excuses. I lost my integrity and never found the courage to face these things because I knew they were so deeply rooted inside me and to verbalize them out yesterday, in front of a complete stranger, in between heavy breathing and trembling hands - a sight that I haven't found myself in for quite a while, was... distasteful.
I thought I was going there to find answers to comfort myself with, but somehow, after digging deeper into all these surface issues - as she calls it, led to the uncovering of the fundamental problem, with a million signs and flashing neon lights going up in my head all pointing in the same direction. You.
To fully come to realise something that has been haunting you without you even knowing it or accepting it your whole life, is something that I still can't seem to articulate right.
The epiphany happened at this specific moment:
The epiphany happened at this specific moment:
"Tell me what are your real goals when you decided to come here today."
"I initially wanted to come here to understand why I just can't seem to.... be. To go to school without dread and to wake up and get out of bed without feeling like shit. But after this conversation we had, I feel like..."
"What do you feel like?"
"I feel like there's an underlying problem to all these issues that have been popping in and out of my life so far. And after our conversation, I feel like I need to reconcile my thoughts and feelings about him in order to feel better about myself and everything else."
"That's very good. You're crying now, can you take a moment to let yourself feel all your emotions?"
"Okay."
"I think you also need to learn how to separate his pain from yours and you have to know that it isn't correlated. To distinguish empathy from everything else your mind tells you is also something we have to work on.... can you tell me what your tears mean? What's going through your thoughts right now?"
"I am sad."
"Why?"
It took me a while to get myself back together because I felt like something I had kept deep inside had just been revealed to me for the first time and I didn't know how to react to this realisation I had.
"Because the words that were said to me since I was a kid till now, how I was brought up and taught to feel my entire life, has essentially made me.... like this."
And I cried again.
Kai said that it was good that I managed to identify this issue at such a young age, because we're only 20, and can you imagine, finding out you have issues like this when you're 40? God, you're lucky you found out early! I couldn't seem to put my feelings into words until Kai mentioned, "like right now it's the first time you fully realize it so it's probably very cathartic."
It was quite fitting.
It was quite fitting.
X said that instead of feeding negativity into your thoughts - the positive things should be treated fairly as well, because how many freshly turned 16-year-olds in the world would be able to pluck up the courage to move to a new country to study? Quite a few. But I just kept my mouth shut.
I called my mum up afterwards and summarised the discussion we had. There was silence on the other end of the phone line but soon enough, she broke the silence with, "har? Really ah. Okay, okay. As long as you feel better, do whatever you need to do." Followed by a text right after we hung up, saying old words that revolved around you know that's not what the intention of his words meant, it's all because we want the best for you, don't take it to heart, we love you and your brother very much.
I guess that's sufficient enough. To have my mum say that I could do whatever I needed to do, as long as I felt better.
Despite so much build-up and residue from everything that was broken inside, I never bothered fixing them only because I thought it was something that I constructed by myself due to my own weakness, you can't ever be weak, he said, and so I never said a word about it. Now that everything seems exposed for a bit, the only thing I can do right now is to face it. It's going to take a while to find my ground again and to fill myself up with fearlessness, determination and courage - something I thoroughly lack, but when the time is right -
I'll be okay.
I called my mum up afterwards and summarised the discussion we had. There was silence on the other end of the phone line but soon enough, she broke the silence with, "har? Really ah. Okay, okay. As long as you feel better, do whatever you need to do." Followed by a text right after we hung up, saying old words that revolved around you know that's not what the intention of his words meant, it's all because we want the best for you, don't take it to heart, we love you and your brother very much.
I guess that's sufficient enough. To have my mum say that I could do whatever I needed to do, as long as I felt better.
Despite so much build-up and residue from everything that was broken inside, I never bothered fixing them only because I thought it was something that I constructed by myself due to my own weakness, you can't ever be weak, he said, and so I never said a word about it. Now that everything seems exposed for a bit, the only thing I can do right now is to face it. It's going to take a while to find my ground again and to fill myself up with fearlessness, determination and courage - something I thoroughly lack, but when the time is right -
I'll be okay.
