The Feeling That Lingers / Goodbye Sean

Mourning over the loss of someone is such a weird feeling that I still can't get a grasp of. Regardless of how close we were, or how often we met, or how the some of the only memories we shared were something we couldn't even remember ourselves and had to have our parents remind us - like the time we showered together as kids in the same bathtub, causing the both of us to be embarrassed when we met again when we were 17 and 22. The feeling of loss is still something that I can feel moving through every corner of my soul and the only words I could muster out was, "my condolences", regardless of how rarely we met.

The closer we were, the longer the feeling of loss lingers around in me, that's all. 

I'll miss you. And I know you'll be remembered because your mother dedicated her whole life to taking care of you. What will she do now? She was always worrying over you, hovering and watching your every step. Your father never really got himself involved, but I guess his way of taking care of you was by providing for the whole family financially. Your brother used to act like he didn't give a shit, probably because he never got the attention he wanted because you were sick for a very long time, but he grew older and understood the painful situation that the whole family was going through so he started to love you more each day. 

They all say that it was about time you go because you've really been fighting a long battle that not a lot of people can imagine going through at such a young age. The surgeries, the medication, the pain... the loss of youth. You are only 25 after all. 

I'm glad that we got to share that Thailand trip with you and your mum back in 2012. We had great fun and I'll always remember that night where Josh and I screamed and ran around in circles in our room because there was a frog in the toilet, and you rushed over asking us if we were okay and laughed when you saw our flustered expressions after realising that it was only because of a frog. 

You caught the frog for us and let it go. 

I will also remember the look of determination on your face when we were playing archery that afternoon. When you saw Josh try it, my dad egged you on, "Have a shot, Sean. You've got nothing to lose!" Your mum, as usual, worriedly rejected the idea of having you pick up a bow because your left hand has been shaking ever since your last op. She said that it was something that you were really self-conscious about in front of people. 

Your mum's words didn't stop you that afternoon. My dad managed to convince you to pick the bow up and have a shot. Your hands shook uncontrollably while all of us tried to ignore it like you know, how we sometimes notice a clear difference in how someone acts/behaves/looks but we try to ignore that and treat them all the same? I know I did it that afternoon.

Despite being self-conscious about your shaking hand, the look on your face showed none of that and only seriousness. Probably only sighs of frustration could be heard when you couldn't get the arrow to rest properly on the bow, though that didn't stop you at all that day. You were focused on getting that bow to work the way you wanted it to, and after a couple of tries, you finally managed to shoot one. Into the pond. Every one of us cheered the loudest we could. 

These were the best memories but sadly the only ones that I shared with you. The last time we visited Thailand, your mother said that you were too sick in bed to get out of the house anymore. We didn't even get the chance to visit you then. 

Rest in peace, Sean. Thank you for showing me what fearlessness and positivity meant from your perspective. I know that now you'll be able to walk with your own legs, eat and speak without your mother worrying about you and you'll be able to pick up that heavy archery bow without your left arm shaking.

Your soul has left this sickened body and now, you are free. You are a courageous young soul, and I hope that you're enjoying yourself up there in heaven.

We'll miss you, Sean. 

1 YEAR AFTER TONSILLITIS: HIS WILL, NOT MY WILL BE DONE.

I think when something is so painful and requires a lot from you to get through it, once you've passed it, you can't help but have that whole torturous process ingrained at the back of your head. Like a milestone. I can still remember how shit it was to go through every exam period in university, O levels, inter-school competition and training... something like that. 

I think one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had so far in my short 20 years of living would be the terrible case of tonsillitis that I caught this time last year. It feels almost a bit like celebrating a little anniversary or some sort, you know? Like yay! Congrats, it's been a year since you've fallen so ill until you couldn't stand straight without the room spinning! Good job! 

Looking back on this experience 1 year later - because let's face it, we all tend to subconsciously (or consciously) look back on painful experiences that have passed and relish in the fact that we've come so far ever since. I still feel grateful, content and somehow just filled with God's grace again. One of the greatest takeaways from it was that I had a close encounter with God, and I know I turn my back against religion quite often throughout my life, including this year, but somehow, thinking and reminding myself about this experience always sets me back onto the right path. 

It seems as though this time of the year has been especially blessed with God's grace or something (woah holy holy). I half kid, but the other half of me is actually serious about it. Because the last 2 weeks I've been struggling terribly with internship applications and I was never the kind to brush things like rejections off like dust so easily. So the last 2 weeks included crazy studying for exams (which I am currently in the midst of), sending out about a total of 20/30 emails out to firms, and crying after receiving rejection emails because I tend to be too hopeful and optimistic about these type of things. Which is quite funny, really. 

So mum kept bugging me to keep applying but at the same time, "don't forget to pray, Rachel." x10000 times. I got annoyed for a while because it's not that I haven't been praying. I just didn't understand why God wasn't listening. Till one Sunday, I went to church and had a mini revelation after the sermon, which evidently proved to be really good - I was praying wrongly. Too often we pray with us being the center of the prayer. Of course I would pray for God to give me this internship. Or if that didn't work out, please give me this other one because I really tried my best, God you know it. 

It became me praying about what I wanted God to do in my life, instead of fully surrendering it to him. Very often, that's the case when we think we're fully capable on our own and God would just aid us in providing some sort of divine intervention to steer us into the direction that WE want. When I was down with tonsillitis, it was somewhat easier for me to surrender everything into God's hands because I was physically immobile, physically incapable of doing things that I wanted to do i.e. eat/stand/walk/study. It was easy for me to wake up and go: God, please if it is Your will, help me.

So I went home and prayed differently ever since that sermon. I stopped asking God to let me have xxx internship, or asking him to give me an internship opportunity from places that I specifically wanted. Instead, it was a lot of surrendering and asking God to show me HIS way instead of constantly trying to make things go MY way. His will be done, y'all. It was never my will. On some days, it really is hard trying to have faith and believing that God has other plans for you that will not only be good for you but will prosper for you, especially after receiving rejection emails after rejection emails. It sucks. But I really do make it a conscious effort to fervently pray for God to show me bit by bit, the plans that He has for me. 

And 2 weeks later, after praying differently and learning how to deal with rejections - I had my first internship offer made to me yesterday. And to many non-believers, I would guess that this small milestone would be attested by pure luck and sheer effort of constantly sending out emails. Because, the more you send, the more likely you will get an offer! But I know that's not the case, even though it may seem like it. I know that in some way or another, God has indeed worked his way and revealed perhaps, a tiiiiiny bit of what He wants and what I am to do in the near future. 

It's still unclear if I will take up this offer, as I'm still waiting on other internships, but internship applications and interviews were giving me anxiety and causing so much stress during the last 2 weeks, and finally, God has kind of put it to rest. Thank God. 

I always ask myself why does it take some sort of hardship like my tonsillitis and internship applications for me to really see God working in my life, and being so ignorant and blind to other small things that He might be doing in my life every day? It's hard to constantly attribute your success to God - perhaps because you can't see Him, and it's so much easier and natural to attribute your success to your own effort and special talents. And if things don't work out the way you want them to, it's easy to blame people or blame God for not having things your way. 

Here's a little something I wrote on my old blog when I was reflecting back on the experience of fighting tonsillitis so far away from home: 

I've learnt so much over the last 2 weeks, and it has really indeed drawn me closer back to God. So that's why I was saying this time of the year somewhat feels like a "big lesson-learning" time more than anything else. First it was tonsillitis, and now, it's internship applications. It may be a little issue in retrospect, but sometimes it's these things that you go through that shape you, teach you how to come out a little bit stronger and builds up a little bit more faith in God. I'm glad I got my lesson this time around. 

I took some notes down to remind myself about how I should pray and here it is: 

Now I'm just excited, waiting to see what God has in store for me.