A Mother's Embrace

Forgotten how a mother's embrace can tear you apart and piece you back all at the same time, with her steady breathing and soothing pats. 

She looked at me with those eyes surrounded by wrinkles, her aged face showing an expression of helplessness as I crumbled in front of her. Suddenly I felt like I was 10 again, apologizing profusely for being naughty and getting all of us scolded by father, "Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry...." 

I could only muster these words, but she knew everything that my heart wanted to say. 

Her hands stretched out to me - like how she has always done so my entire life, "come here." And I did. She hugged me against her chest and told me that everything was okay, that I will be okay and I don't have to feel bad about anything. My guilt was engulfing me whole the last few days/weeks/hours and I couldn't stop bawling my eyes out into my mother's arms. 

Her embrace took out all the guilt that I've been bestowing upon myself the last few weeks, and her pats on my back almost felt like her shooing the guilt out of my system. 

"Mummy will go. It's going to be okay. Don't feel bad anymore." 

I've forgotten how it was like to hug my mother and have her tell me things are going to be okay. Tonight I realized how therapeutic it was, and her embrace stitched back my wounds that were caused by people that were not family. It was infected with hurt, betrayal and disappointment with a tinge of anger. Mother's hugs were like medicine - morphine, almost. It numbed the pain and I felt alright again. 

In her arms, I found my safe place. Oh, how I have missed your warm chest and soothing back rubs, mother.

The Feeling That Lingers / Goodbye Sean

Mourning over the loss of someone is such a weird feeling that I still can't get a grasp of. Regardless of how close we were, or how often we met, or how the some of the only memories we shared were something we couldn't even remember ourselves and had to have our parents remind us - like the time we showered together as kids in the same bathtub, causing the both of us to be embarrassed when we met again when we were 17 and 22. The feeling of loss is still something that I can feel moving through every corner of my soul and the only words I could muster out was, "my condolences", regardless of how rarely we met.

The closer we were, the longer the feeling of loss lingers around in me, that's all. 

I'll miss you. And I know you'll be remembered because your mother dedicated her whole life to taking care of you. What will she do now? She was always worrying over you, hovering and watching your every step. Your father never really got himself involved, but I guess his way of taking care of you was by providing for the whole family financially. Your brother used to act like he didn't give a shit, probably because he never got the attention he wanted because you were sick for a very long time, but he grew older and understood the painful situation that the whole family was going through so he started to love you more each day. 

They all say that it was about time you go because you've really been fighting a long battle that not a lot of people can imagine going through at such a young age. The surgeries, the medication, the pain... the loss of youth. You are only 25 after all. 

I'm glad that we got to share that Thailand trip with you and your mum back in 2012. We had great fun and I'll always remember that night where Josh and I screamed and ran around in circles in our room because there was a frog in the toilet, and you rushed over asking us if we were okay and laughed when you saw our flustered expressions after realising that it was only because of a frog. 

You caught the frog for us and let it go. 

I will also remember the look of determination on your face when we were playing archery that afternoon. When you saw Josh try it, my dad egged you on, "Have a shot, Sean. You've got nothing to lose!" Your mum, as usual, worriedly rejected the idea of having you pick up a bow because your left hand has been shaking ever since your last op. She said that it was something that you were really self-conscious about in front of people. 

Your mum's words didn't stop you that afternoon. My dad managed to convince you to pick the bow up and have a shot. Your hands shook uncontrollably while all of us tried to ignore it like you know, how we sometimes notice a clear difference in how someone acts/behaves/looks but we try to ignore that and treat them all the same? I know I did it that afternoon.

Despite being self-conscious about your shaking hand, the look on your face showed none of that and only seriousness. Probably only sighs of frustration could be heard when you couldn't get the arrow to rest properly on the bow, though that didn't stop you at all that day. You were focused on getting that bow to work the way you wanted it to, and after a couple of tries, you finally managed to shoot one. Into the pond. Every one of us cheered the loudest we could. 

These were the best memories but sadly the only ones that I shared with you. The last time we visited Thailand, your mother said that you were too sick in bed to get out of the house anymore. We didn't even get the chance to visit you then. 

Rest in peace, Sean. Thank you for showing me what fearlessness and positivity meant from your perspective. I know that now you'll be able to walk with your own legs, eat and speak without your mother worrying about you and you'll be able to pick up that heavy archery bow without your left arm shaking.

Your soul has left this sickened body and now, you are free. You are a courageous young soul, and I hope that you're enjoying yourself up there in heaven.

We'll miss you, Sean. 

1 YEAR AFTER TONSILLITIS: HIS WILL, NOT MY WILL BE DONE.

I think when something is so painful and requires a lot from you to get through it, once you've passed it, you can't help but have that whole torturous process ingrained at the back of your head. Like a milestone. I can still remember how shit it was to go through every exam period in university, O levels, inter-school competition and training... something like that. 

I think one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had so far in my short 20 years of living would be the terrible case of tonsillitis that I caught this time last year. It feels almost a bit like celebrating a little anniversary or some sort, you know? Like yay! Congrats, it's been a year since you've fallen so ill until you couldn't stand straight without the room spinning! Good job! 

Looking back on this experience 1 year later - because let's face it, we all tend to subconsciously (or consciously) look back on painful experiences that have passed and relish in the fact that we've come so far ever since. I still feel grateful, content and somehow just filled with God's grace again. One of the greatest takeaways from it was that I had a close encounter with God, and I know I turn my back against religion quite often throughout my life, including this year, but somehow, thinking and reminding myself about this experience always sets me back onto the right path. 

It seems as though this time of the year has been especially blessed with God's grace or something (woah holy holy). I half kid, but the other half of me is actually serious about it. Because the last 2 weeks I've been struggling terribly with internship applications and I was never the kind to brush things like rejections off like dust so easily. So the last 2 weeks included crazy studying for exams (which I am currently in the midst of), sending out about a total of 20/30 emails out to firms, and crying after receiving rejection emails because I tend to be too hopeful and optimistic about these type of things. Which is quite funny, really. 

So mum kept bugging me to keep applying but at the same time, "don't forget to pray, Rachel." x10000 times. I got annoyed for a while because it's not that I haven't been praying. I just didn't understand why God wasn't listening. Till one Sunday, I went to church and had a mini revelation after the sermon, which evidently proved to be really good - I was praying wrongly. Too often we pray with us being the center of the prayer. Of course I would pray for God to give me this internship. Or if that didn't work out, please give me this other one because I really tried my best, God you know it. 

It became me praying about what I wanted God to do in my life, instead of fully surrendering it to him. Very often, that's the case when we think we're fully capable on our own and God would just aid us in providing some sort of divine intervention to steer us into the direction that WE want. When I was down with tonsillitis, it was somewhat easier for me to surrender everything into God's hands because I was physically immobile, physically incapable of doing things that I wanted to do i.e. eat/stand/walk/study. It was easy for me to wake up and go: God, please if it is Your will, help me.

So I went home and prayed differently ever since that sermon. I stopped asking God to let me have xxx internship, or asking him to give me an internship opportunity from places that I specifically wanted. Instead, it was a lot of surrendering and asking God to show me HIS way instead of constantly trying to make things go MY way. His will be done, y'all. It was never my will. On some days, it really is hard trying to have faith and believing that God has other plans for you that will not only be good for you but will prosper for you, especially after receiving rejection emails after rejection emails. It sucks. But I really do make it a conscious effort to fervently pray for God to show me bit by bit, the plans that He has for me. 

And 2 weeks later, after praying differently and learning how to deal with rejections - I had my first internship offer made to me yesterday. And to many non-believers, I would guess that this small milestone would be attested by pure luck and sheer effort of constantly sending out emails. Because, the more you send, the more likely you will get an offer! But I know that's not the case, even though it may seem like it. I know that in some way or another, God has indeed worked his way and revealed perhaps, a tiiiiiny bit of what He wants and what I am to do in the near future. 

It's still unclear if I will take up this offer, as I'm still waiting on other internships, but internship applications and interviews were giving me anxiety and causing so much stress during the last 2 weeks, and finally, God has kind of put it to rest. Thank God. 

I always ask myself why does it take some sort of hardship like my tonsillitis and internship applications for me to really see God working in my life, and being so ignorant and blind to other small things that He might be doing in my life every day? It's hard to constantly attribute your success to God - perhaps because you can't see Him, and it's so much easier and natural to attribute your success to your own effort and special talents. And if things don't work out the way you want them to, it's easy to blame people or blame God for not having things your way. 

Here's a little something I wrote on my old blog when I was reflecting back on the experience of fighting tonsillitis so far away from home: 

I've learnt so much over the last 2 weeks, and it has really indeed drawn me closer back to God. So that's why I was saying this time of the year somewhat feels like a "big lesson-learning" time more than anything else. First it was tonsillitis, and now, it's internship applications. It may be a little issue in retrospect, but sometimes it's these things that you go through that shape you, teach you how to come out a little bit stronger and builds up a little bit more faith in God. I'm glad I got my lesson this time around. 

I took some notes down to remind myself about how I should pray and here it is: 

Now I'm just excited, waiting to see what God has in store for me. 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: OF IMPROMPTU PHOTOSHOOTS AND LOTS OF MAKEUP

Okay let's face it: anyone who knows me will know that I LOVE my makeup. Whether or not it's an issue about living up to feminine beauty standards or low self-esteem or just being simply vain - we'll leave this discussion for another day. 

This year I've started reaaaallly getting into smoking up (....wait for it lol) the eyeshadows. Holler at HeyClaire and Clothesencounters for being such amazing beauty gurus, making me think that if I did my makeup like theirs I would somehow magically look somewhat like them. Tried it but didn't work out. Should've known. 

On the first day of our spring break, Shona - my housemate/best friend, was asking about how I fill in my brows. And I was like omg I'll try to fill it in for you! 

That was the start of our smashing Friday night. 

It started with just the eyebrows, which she really liked and kept exclaiming omg how did you DO it?!?! And then with the overflowing compliments about my eyebrow-drawing skills, it made me feel as though I was heyclaire/clothesencounters, like wow am I actually good with make up?? 

So it became a full blown let-me-give-you-a-freaking-makeover type of thing. It was a super girly night, with chart toppers playing on spotify while doing her makeup and I was raving about how much I L-O-V-E-D this particular brand of eyeliner. (3CE Gel Eyeliner, y'all. 100% recommend)

When I asked her what look she wanted to go for, all she said was "go full out la, since we've already come this far. All out sua." And I did. 

After the makeover, I couldn't bear to let her wash it off that quickly, so I suggested that we take some photos to capture the moment since she isn't the type to put on such heavy makeup. We also hung up my birthday streamers in the living room that evening, but sadly one of the hooks gave way which explains the weird streamers in the background....sorry. We wanted to see how nice the photos would come out with the streamers serving as a backdrop, and I guess it came out pretty well! 

Anyway, this girl has definitely been such a blessing in my life the past 2 years or so, I don't even know where or how to start. We're the only ones that would crack the lamest jokes and laugh at them, with everyone else clearly judging us. There's always those few people that can get your funny and she's one of them for me. I'm so glad that we're housemates because the apartment doesn't feel as cold as it should in winter anymore- not because we now have affordable heating (unlike College Square), but because her company cheers me up on bad days and makes my good days even better. 

We make a good team, and she's taught me many things like how to be more organized (look ma, I clean and cook now!), how to be grateful for the small things and her positivity is so contagious. Don't know what I would do without her and how different my life in Melbourne would have turned out to be like. 

Wherever you go, I believe, there's always a few people that you know are the ones that keep you grounded. They will try to protect you from the bad things, and celebrate with you when good things happen. Shona's one of them and I can never be more grateful for having such a wonderful human being as a housemate and best friend. 

Thank you for being so spontaneous, doing photoshoots like these and allowing me to slap on a load of makeup onto your face, feasting 24/7 together on Korean food despite food cravings hitting only at 1 am. For being so empathetic, letting me unload any stress or unhappiness in between sobs and still hugging me so tightly (recall: After my marketing paper last sem lel). And thanks for just, everything else in between. 

Just today, we both slept in and woke up to cook a simple lunch at 3 pm, and had our lovely weekend chats- which I realised that these relatively long chats only happen on weekends because that's the only time we really actually have to sit down and talk about things going on in our lives. Halfway through sharing our childhood stories, a thought suddenly flashed through my mind, kind of a mini-revelation-shooting-star type of thought? I don't know a better way to phrase it. But anyway, it was something along the realisation of omg we really never run out of things to talk about and something about realising how much I treasure this friendship that we have. 

Call it sappy and cheesy but this is me being 100% honest, translating this afternoon's food-coma-and-good-conversations-thoughts into words, haha. I try. 

Too many times I have told many people that I can't wait to get out of Melbourne and fly back home into the loving arms of my family, but I always get reminded that there are indeed friends here in Melbourne that are worth coming back for. What I actually really mean is: I can't wait to get out of UNI. Melbourne really isn't as bad as I paint it to be, I honestly love this city, but I guess sometimes school work and my own negativity just messes with my perspective. But here I am today, writing about how lovely it is to get to meet friends that I can be 100% myself, in a country so far away from home. Mum always tells me to be thankful that God places these people in your life and she is so right. 

Uni is always a drag and coming home to someone on a long and hard day is, I feel, the best thing. It's almost coming home to family and I am so so glad that it's Shona that I get to come home to. She also kills the moths and flies intruding our house now, while I hide inside her room screaming support and giving her advice about how to kill the insect. USE THE SPRAY THINGY THAT I BOUGHT!! OMG WHACK IT!!! USE THE PAPER!! OMG, IS IT DEAD YET? DID YOU KILL IT?? That is truly when you know you've got a gem of a friend, y'all. 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: TULIP FESTIVAL || WITHOUT THE BITTER THE SWEET ISN'T AS SWEET

 

As much as I try to keep this space a place where I write about happier things and better days, it's hard. It was a bad day yesterday, with shitty feelings, tears and all. Called my mum up in desperation to try to talk things out with a mature adult with a bigger perspective than mine. But the thing is, when talking to a mature adult with a bigger perspective than yours, is that no matter how nicely they try to phrase things, it just makes you feel as though your feelings are completely irrelevant and it!! will!! all!! be!! okay!! soon!!!!!! A little bit of the whole "Ah, we've been there done that, kid. You'll turn out fine." My problem with that sentence/attitude is that YES OKAY I get that you've been there, which is essentially where I am - HERE, so please enlighten me how do I get OUT of here? 

I'm not trying to say that mum was shit at hearing me out, if anything, ever since I told her more about everything that has been going through my mind since June/July this year, we've never been closer. Mum's a great listener and comforter, but I just couldn't place a finger as to how I felt the whole day yesterday. It was kind of like waking up on the wrong side of the bed, with these thoughts that were constantly pushed allllll the way to the back of my head suddenly deciding to roll out, sweep the dust off themselves and try to occupy 99.9999% of my mind again. Absolute shit. 

Fast forward to today, I was hanging out with Jean and she brought up a question that really got me thinking, when you're having a bad day, what is your remedy? What do you do to make yourself feel better? 

My answer was simple, really. I don't. 

It was something I never really observed about myself, that whenever I was feeling shit about something, I would always find ways to make myself feel worse. Is this even something sane to do? I don't even know, haha. Be it watching 10 sad Thai film advertisements, or crying through a sad Korean film, or eating out of the ice cream tub, I would do anything that made myself feel worse, and allow everything to amplify throughout my body and my mind......... as though it was sort of self-inflicted? 

Jean kept quiet for a while after hearing my answer and said, "but there must be something that would help you feel better again!" Sleep, of course. Or hanging out with my friends, if I was in the mood to. Reflecting on those 2 solutions trying to alleviate the shittiness, it could essentially be summarized into 1 theme: distractions - which I'm still trying to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing for me. 

Anyway, like I said yesterday to my mum on the phone while trying to hold back the tears, "On most days I am okay with how things are with me and how things are around me. But on some days, like today, I'm not. I feel as though I'm the one with the problem, and there's nothing I can do to change that." 

I always tell myself that in order to feel like I am the catastrophe, I am the mess or I am the problem, there must be a degree of self-indulgence and obsession, right? It's funny because for someone that has little to no self-worth/confidence, to be able to constantly think about myself is such a sickening thing to do. NTS: This thought has officially resurfaced, welcome back lol. All in all, it's still a loooong process y'all, of trying to figure things out. Yesterday felt like 10 steps backwards for me, which was disappointing, given all the progress that I thought I've made so far. 

But like all other bad days, it will really come to pass. I had a great dinner with some wonderful friends last night and had a food coma afterwards. I also woke up early today, made it to church, hung out with Jean, Kai came over to watch Unbreakable and I had homecooked Indian dinner courtesy of Arjun's mum and grandma to finish off the day. I'm okay now, like the other 99% of the time, with how things are. 

I've also planned out my week and hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. The feeling of being able to strike things off your To-Do list has got to be one of the best feelings, in my opinion. And this week, I'm all about that good vibes. :-) Bad days come and go, and I guess looking through these Tulip Festival photos remind me that bad days kind of make the good days seem even better, you know? (Without the bitter the sweet isn't as sweet type of thing)

Rant over, thanks for sticking through this post, y'all. Cheers to the better days ahead! 

SPRING BREAK 2K15: CHERRY HILL BLOSSOMS

Now that our mid-semester (which isn't that "mid" after all) break is over, I am officially suffering from mid-sem break withdrawals. I guess now we're back to finding it hard to get out of bed and getting to school on time. 

Why is it so much easier to wake up early and explore, rather than to wake up and make it on time for that lecture or tutorial? Ugh. So I guess what better way to get over mid-sem withdrawals than to blog about what I did over the break? ..... right? Smart choice. 

On the first day of our break, Shona and I made an impromptu decision to head out to see the cherry blossoms at Lilydale, approx 45 min drive out from the city. We were sitting at home, lounging around and lamenting the fact that we really never did get to explore Melbourne as much as we would like to. I was on Facebook checking out the events that I randomly clicked "going" (yes I'm the type that clicks attending but only because I want to keep it in my view juuuust in case I actually want to go), and saw the Cherry Hill Blossom event and just said, "OMG let's go." 

The rest they say is history. 

Not. 

1. We didn't have a car. 2. We didn't really want to ask friends since it was sort of a last minute decision to head out. Therefore, we decided to be economical travellers and use public transport instead. We took the train out to Lilydale, which was about 50 mins, and then took a 15 min cab ride to get to the place which was $56 there and back in total. 

It was a tiring journey out and we only had 2 packets of pocky biscuits, 2 packets of kiddo biscuits, 2 chocolate bars and water to last us the entire day when we went exploring. #economical, or what? #stayhungrygotravel #wonderlust #anythingfornicephotos 

Okay sorry, the hashtags got out of hand. But you know what I mean. Shona and I concluded that heading out of the city the way we did was something that was fun and refreshing at the same time. It may be time-consuming, but with the right company, it works out. I had so much fun exploring and soaking up the atmosphere and scenery, I barely checked for the time. Given that there was shitty reception as well, all the more it made us live in the moment and not constantly be living behind our phone screens. (Tech detox is a real thing, y'all)

I also decided to play around while editing the photos, trying to see how I can make these photos look more "moody" with more "feel", I honestly hope it looks okay! I'm still a noob at editing photos, but one step at a time, right? Though I must say, filters really do help with enhancing the mood of a photo. Mindblown. 

(I took waaaay too many closed-eye shots) 
(1. The sun was killing my eyes 2. I was afraid to look at the 128193 bees buzzing around my head)

Overall, I thought the visit to CherryHill Orchid was worth it. From the long travel time to the hunger pangs we tolerated because we didn't want to get there when it was closing. I wouldn't mind doing it all over again. (Okay, but I'll be sure to pack more snacks instead hehe)

Too many times we get comfortable in the places that we are familiar with, and even though I've said countless of times that I'm the type that is always ready to get up and go out to explore, I'm not. I definitely get too comfortable lazing around the house or sticking to boring routines, that the thought of getting out and doing something different might require a bit more effort, which is something that I initially wasn't down for. However, this trip out of the city reminded me again why getting out there is something that I thoroughly enjoy. This trip out was spontaneous, it was a rash decision made with promise to wake up by 8 am to catch the train out (We caught the train only at 12 noon but it's okay, A for effort). 

I got reminded again about the thrill of traveling and just having a different view for your eyes to feast on, is something that is sort of therapeutic and calming all at the same time. I'm not sure if there is any better way to put it. 

Anyway, there's going to be a few posts about spring break 2k15, because, Tulip festival and Perth all happened as well. I thought it would be a good thing to write about them, so I can look back and recall the amount of fun I had :-) 

Can't wait to fill this space up with more words and pictures!