TwentyOne (21)

I would love to just copy and regurgitate whatever I wrote in my 20th birthday post because I just realised that I still relate and I still stand by the same things that I previously mentioned in that birthday post. 

But this year is a little bit special because 1. I'm freaking 21. It's probably not that much of a big deal. I exaggerate too much. 

2. I'm back home and I get to celebrate my actual birthday with my family and friends here in Singapore. No more early or belated birthday dinners! 

Would first like to give some love and shout out to the following friends that have been so selfless and patient with me. I'm terrible at these things, and usually closer to the event date I tend to lose all excitement and give up. 

1. Thanks to Kevin, for always never failing on bringing my ideas to life in terms of beautifully created invites and the postcard as a door gift! Everyone loved them so much. 

2. Thank you Sufang, @fang_cakes for making the best cake and desserts for my 21st! I really wouldn't have anyone else bake my cake for my 21st. The earl grey berry cake was to die for and got completely wiped out at the party! Thanks for also turning my matcha brownie suggestion into real matcha brownies which tasted so good and perfecting the best batch of soft baked cookies I've had in a longgg while. Always feels good supporting a fellow TK girl and junior! :-) 

2. Thanks to Mistika, Marcus and Kayla for always being so positive and encouraging! Also kudos to them for waking up early to help set up the venue. I am eternally grateful. 

3. Obviously thanks to everyone that made it to the party. The title of the FB event was "IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT YOU" and it truly wouldn't be half as fun if you guys didn't show up. I would just be eating catered food for 30 alone in a huge function room. Not cool.

This year celebrating back home, I managed to finally celebrate my birthday with old friends that have seen me through since TK days together with the new friends that I've made in Melbourne, whom I have come to love and appreciate so much. Always something about being in a room filled with people you have met and come to love over the past years. 

Here I am, trying not to overuse the word love too much, but honestly, there aren't any better substitutes that can accurately describe how I feel this weekend. Last year was my last year celebrating in Melbourne, so it was more bittersweet than anything. I was gearing up to say goodbye to a lot of things in Melbourne. This time around, it feels a lot lighter and happier in a sense that this birthday isn't tied up with leaving - something that has been so present in my life the last 4 years. I was always leaving. I celebrate coming home, being back and finally entering adulthood. 

Tonight I finally had some time to myself to sit down and take in all that has happened the past 2 days. I was surrounded by a group of my closest friends yesterday and today, I was with my family members. The laughs I've shared with everyone, the hugs, wishes, conversations and gifts....  I can't even. While sending out my thanks and appreciation messages to my uncle and aunties, I found myself tearing up, overwhelmed by all the love I've received. It is so surreal and I am really very blessed. 

The last few days have been slightly hard to get by and recently a lot of conversations circulate around the topic of the future which is very ~uncertain~. Being someone that is afraid of uncertainty, I've been very anxious about a lot of work and career-related things, and after hearing all the advice my friends and family gave, to be honest, it makes me even more afraid but also comforted at the same time. It's probably weird now that it's typed out in words, but somehow it makes sense in my head. The thing that I've been trying to get myself to do is not to keep worrying. 

Someone once told me that the opposite of anxiety is trusting that life will turn out okay for you. That is so important but yet so hard for me to do!! I'm trying to slowly trust that life will turn out okay and that things will eventually fall into place. In the mean time, I'm appreciating all the support I'm getting from the best people God has placed in my life, people I'm glad to call my family and friends. 

Lastly, I'm thankful I finally get to have a solid birthday celebration with my OG fam cru. It's best feeling in the world, having our favourite chicken rice at some kopitiam on my 21st birthday.

My heart is now so full from the love that I received this weekend. Thank you, thank you, thank you for loving me as I am.

It's a choppy post, I apologize.
Thanks for sticking it out here with me.

A Full Heart And Wider Eyes

Sometimes life really has a way of letting me know that it is so beautiful and I should really sit down and appreciate it for a moment. 

Travelling in itself has its beauty, tediousness and confusion all wrapped up in a couple of days placed a few thousand kilometres away from your comfort zone. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I take it for granted and ignorantly set foot into a country without genuinely learning more about its people, culture and stories, but other times like this, I. Fricking. Love. It. 

Meeting new people at home is scary enough. Meeting new people overseas gets me even more anxious and I have mad respect for solo travellers and people who are so comfortable in placing themselves out there to speak to people. But I am so glad I managed to pluck up enough courage (or faked it enough), to find myself 3 MRT stops away from my hotel, in a small little Jap bar, sipping on beer and sharing stories with someone I have only known for 3 days. 

We met for only a short while, but we shared similar perspectives, bonded over our common understanding of gender, family and relationships in general. We had the same worries, agreed on the same issues and laughed about a lot of things. I was so at ease and so comforted that despite the distance, be it by culture, language or the geography, our views on things were mostly similar. Having an opinion is great, but empathy is sosososo important and I have learnt over the years to appreciate it in every person I meet. 

I fall in love with good conversations too quickly. I say it like it's a bad thing. It's not. I am in love with the conversation we shared, that connection we had in that particular moment, and that look we both gave each other as we sighed,"why didn't we meet earlier." It's hard to put it into words but I know what I felt and my heart is full again. It's the same kind of feeling when I saw the whales and dolphins swimming so freely out in the waters of Kaikoura, the same kind of feeling of screaming into the prettiest sunset I have ever seen in my life in the car on the way to Queenstown and the same feeling of taking off your make-up and clothes, being at complete ease with yourself. 

Never ever regret putting yourself out there to meet and talk to new people. Though you will realise that you're no special snowflake- it's really not always all about you, okay? You will also be so comforted by the truth from the phrase: you are NOT alone in crappy circumstances. There will be always someone out there that will share the same sentiments, believe in the same things and have a similar understanding despite the different experiences that lead up to gaining those perspectives.

We are all human after all. That is the greatest common denominator. 

Final Sem Music Favourites

Have been listening to a lot of music lately and here's a playlist with allllllll my favourite music coupled with the right kind of vibes. My best friend told me that this playlist has been helping her get through her day and I can only say the same for myself. 

Since you guys come here to check up on what I've been up to, or just simply killing time- 

why not take a listen? 

I hope you find some of your future-favourite-songs. I love sharing music with friends. 

Also guys, once you go Spotify premium, you can never go back. 

First Thoughts After Visiting The ICU For The First Time: V.

Sometimes life takes you from the law library trying to grasp the concept of bonds and credit risk as though it is the hardest shit you've ever studied, to scolding the receptionist at the A&E department because I have never heard someone (from the A&E!!) so unsympathetic, rude and annoyed after simply asking a few questions so, "could you perhaps have some TACT, especially for someone working in the A&E, what kind of attitude is this", to finding myself sitting in the waiting room to the ICU on a Tuesday night, acting as if I was the cousin of a girl I've never met before.

Everything I knew about this girl was hurriedly scribbled down on the back of my blackball order receipt- her name and her birthday. That's all I knew about her, and then suddenly, while trying to figure out what happened to her, with a few Facebook searches and googling, things started to get pieced together: A facebook photo showing that they went to grampians on Monday, vicroads reporting a car accident today at 6 pm somewhere along grampians, and then an article saying that 3 of the people involved in the accident were tourists. 

It's so scary, how traffic and accident news that we so often passively glance through or hear on the radio are actually affecting REAL people. To large extents, even. It's perhaps ignorance on my part, and to only realise it now... but the magnitude of it all... it's still something that I'm trying to comprehend. 

Having her parents - complete strangers call me, was the first time I heard pure fear and worry for their loved one, in the ICU, 6069km away from them. They weren't within reach, but a stranger like me was waiting right outside the ICU for news about their daughter. 

"If you see her, tell her mummy and daddy loves her and she will make it through." 

"Okay auntie, I will." 

I still get goosebumps when I think about that. 

Being someone that is absolutely terrible with hospitals, terrible I mean like my knees turn real jelly-like at the thought of blood and I feel lightheaded and anxious with the overpowering sterile smell (which has a terrible association with death in my mind), but being able to make it to the door of the ICU, prepping myself to go all out to see a stranger, all wired up and bloody, to pray for her, was something that was a considerable feat, given my crappy ability to handle hospitals. I never expected myself to be placed in a situation like this and I am so glad that through it all, I had Jodie and Anthony that were so willing to provide the support and comfort by just.... being there with me. 

V's parents are currently catching a red-eye flight to Melbourne right now and till now, they don't even know how she got involved in such a serious accident. They got a call saying, "your daughter might not make it", that's it. I can't even imagine how they must have felt and how much sanity they lost upon hearing such terrible news. Next thing they knew, they're on a flight to Melbourne, on a cab to the ICU. 

It's been such an unpredictable Tuesday night, and through this experience, it has really allowed me to sort quite a bit of my self-indulgent, narcissistic perspectives into place. The fragility of life has too often been taken for granted and the lesson that life is uncertain is something that I should be learning how to embrace.  

I am so tired... but there is so much to be thankful for and I hope that by writing this, tonight's incident can serve as a reminder for myself that you should always help someone to the best you can, regardless if you know them or not. 

V may not be someone I hold onto dearly - I only know her by the scribbles on the back of my blackball order receipt, her one FaceBook profile picture I have access to, and now we're also fake cousins (i lied to the hospital), but a life is still a life. She has people that love her so much and while she's fighting for her life on that bed and through the CT scans tonight, her parents are fighting back tears and hoping, praying and wishing for a miracle only God can provide for their beautiful daughter. 

I can only do the same.

(edit: I am sosososo amazed by the crazy amount of support the family is getting from everyone that heard about this unfortunate incident. Be it from strangers, family friends, acquaintances etc. Humanity is real, and it is beautiful y'all. Never hesitate on reaching out to help people when they are caught up in crappy circumstances.)

+++ surplus +++

It's simple economics. If you have excessive supply - too much to give, too much of you (the skin and the fats that drape all over your body), the demand will never be optimal. "Too emotional." "Too tall." "Too big." "Too rough as a girl." "Too nice." If you draw the graph up and look at the figures: 174 cm, uk10-12, 41 ... let's not even get to what my weight is because that is a fucking exuberant amount. 

All my life I've been told that I've been in excess. And so I wish for the day there will be a demand that meets this excess supply. People naturally seem to gravitate towards the things that are limited in supply. If it's a love that is hard to get, people go crazy over that challenge. The lesser your tummy rolls, the lesser the cellulite, you will be more desirable. That is probably why I am never wanted enough in these ways. Because what I have is too much in supply. It becomes a waste.

I ache for a love that I have never received, and the validation that I've been struggling to find in everything else but myself. I am always half empty, finding means and ways to empty everything else from inside of me because I am too much, always too much. 

Self-love is foreign and complicated. The hair on my arms stand when I think about loving any part of myself. My fingers are unable to tie the words "self" and "love" together on the keyboard without my mind denying any truth that that word might have on me. 

For someone to be told their whole life that they are in excess, it is funny how I feel inadequate with everything that is seen as excessive.

I have been sleeping too much and it is evidently proving no good. 

NTS: To be deleted. 
Because bad thoughts should not cloud up empty spaces.

Easter Break 2K16

The last Easter break here in Melbourne. 

It is always such a bittersweet feeling, knowing that it was the last one. 

Be back soon, y'all. 

Uni is always such a struggle :-(

15 Little Delightful Things

A few of the good things that have happened over the past week: 

1. Playing a game of very intense Monopoly at our place on Friday night

2. I woke up before 12 noon every day the last week

3. I even managed to wake up at 7 am to get Lune

4. Skyped my brother for 3 hours and mum for 2 hours

5. $2.15 honey soy chicken drumlets from Woolies for dinner

6. Possibility of dad coming to my graduation

7. My housemate cooked us beef stew on Monday and it tasted divine

8. Having friends text you out of the blue and ask how you're doing

10. Prayed to God about my group mate woes and the next day He answered my prayers (Thank You Jesus)

hang in there, there's lots of good stuff that happened this week - I'm almost done. 

11. Stayed home the whole of Saturday and lounged about in pjs and a make up free face

12. Attended the Melbourne Queer Film Festival with Jodie.
It was such an experience being part of something so inclusive, so welcoming and beautiful. Also bumping into our Media, Identity and Everyday Life tutor from last semester made my night. Turns out he was one of the judges for the Queer Short Film competition. It was also he who called out my name when we were walking out of the cinema, and being recognised by one of your favourite tutors is one of the best feelings, in my opinion.

13. Laughing so hard because Jodie said that our tutor probably thinks we're officially girlfriends now because he always sees us together, be it at tutorials, lectures, consults and queer film festivals. Defo lesbos.

14. My best friend, Mistika, found my favourite (it's in bold because that how much I freaking LOVE IT) Lipton Peach & Mango tea in the aisles of the supermarket in Singapore

15. Hot showers on Autumn nights here in Melbourne

This week I've learnt to find love in the small things. 

If I keep placing unrealistic expectations on myself and the things around me, I can never be satisfied with how everything plays out - regardless of how good I've actually got it. It's terrible, I know.

So the last week was all about placing aside my obsessive need to achieve unrealistic shitty goals I set myself up for. I've changed my take on viewing things a little this week and with wider eyes and a quieter mind, my heart is delightfully full. 

Old People Teach You The Greatest Lessons

Note to self: taking that 30-minute train ride down to Springvale to visit my grandaunt and granduncle is possibly one of the best decisions that I have made during this easter break. Staying over for the night is also the next best thing. 

I've promised them countless of times the past 4 years I've been in Melbourne that I would stay over at their place some nights, whenever I'm free, whenever I can. But obviously, that never happened because I was too caught up with my own life and always leaving them on the back burner, only responding to them whenever the old folks decide to give me a call to check up on me. 

This time around, I decided that I should just stay over for one night and they have wifi, anyway. Called my mum up and she told me, "yah, just go. Go and stay with the old folks, it will probably help you feel better about things, you know? To clear your thoughts." 

It's a wonder how my mum always picks the right words to say, because when she said that it immediately made me feel as though I made the right decision. I gave up a housewarming party to come stay over at my grandaunt's place and to be honest, it wasn't the usual struggle to make a decision (I usually hate not turning up for social gatherings that people have cordially invited me to) (I also hate turning down people because, what if they will never jio me again in the future?). Perhaps I haven't been in the socialising mood the past few weeks so this whole social gathering thing did not interest me at all, so coming to the suburbs seemed like a perfect getaway. 

My grandaunt is about 70% blind but she still cooks, cleans and gardens. Last night, she called me asking me what I wanted to have for lunch the next day when I came over, and I have been craving fried beehoon with her homemade chilli for the longest time, so I asked for that. She laughed and also threw in the surprise that she would be making curry chicken for dinner since I love to eat curry chicken. I stepped into their cozy house and gobbled up 3 plates of fried beehoon - it was my only way of conveying my thankfulness and gratitude for these two old folks for always watching out for me since I came to Melbourne 4 years ago. 

(she even cooked pulau hitam and steamed 2 red bean buns she made the day before!)

My grandaunt also set up the guest room for me- clean sheets, towels and even turning on the small lava lamp (hello 2000s?). This afternoon, while I was catching up on my youtube videos, I've seen how my grandaunt and granduncle spend most of their afternoons. 

My grandaunt makes a cup of tea for herself and turns on the radio, she switches it to the cantonese channel here and tells me in the afternoon they do a cantonese radio show and in the evening, they do a mandarin one. She worried about the noise distracting me but I told her it's fine, I don't understand cantonese, anyway. 

I started coughing and she asked me if I had a sore throat. I was just clearing my throat, I told her. She asked if I wanted a cup of tea as well and then proceeded to make me a cup of luo han guo. It's the sweetest thing because she didn't tell me that it was for my throat, neither did she offer me medicine - she just simply made me a cup and told me to be careful because it was hot. She probably thought I wouldn't know that this tea was luo han guo, and that this was the exact same drink my mother always nagged at me to take whenever I was down with a bad throat, so she just made me a cup with the thought of helping me with that bad throat she heard just now. 

They're a loving couple, really. Granduncle's really quiet, he never really likes to speak but he's always the one driving his grandkids around, playing with them and also always hustling to come pick me up from the train station when I get there. Granduncle's small actions always blows me away, reminding me that love is not only noticable in huge declarations of love, but in small thoughtful actions, especially in old age. 

It's always the small things. He reminds me so much of my own grandfather, how he used to cycle to the market to get my grandma durians because she said she was craving it and taking full responsibility whenever my aunt comes home to discover that grandma had devoured 2 durians all by herself. My grandma can't eat durians due to her diabetes, but my grandfather never cared for that. As long as grandma got what she wanted. 

My granduncle sits on the chair on the right side of the television and stretches out comfortably on it while watching his HK drama. But when my grandaunt walks out in her pjs and is all ready to join in on watching the drama, with literally NO communication needed, he slips down and sits on the floor, legs tucked in under his butt, close to the tv and close to her while she becomes the person that comfortably stretches out on the chair. He mumbles a few sentences in Hakka to her, I assume he's filling her in on the show and then, silence. My mother and I have stayed with them the first few nights when we came down to Melbourne when I was seventeen and she always tells me that that whole scene of them switching places and watching tv is one of her favourite scenes of them. Today while on the way to their place, she told me to keep a lookout for that, because, it's cute! 

I sent this to my mother a few minutes ago, before starting this post: Mummy, here's one of your favourite views. And mine, too. 

What I've realised, is that if you hang with them for a substantial period of time, old people always teach you the greatest lessons and remind you of the simplest things through their actions and sometimes, they don't even know it. 

Every time I come up to visit them, I always learn something new from them and get to hear of stories about our family I've never heard before. Like the other time, I learnt about how they met in the small factory in their kampung and one of my favourite things is listening to them tell me about how much my grandfather used to spoil me with buying the things I liked - he always chose the prettiest dresses at the market for me, and how he used to be the one to voluntarily carry me whenever I was crying. 

“你的公公最疼你的，每次都买东西给你，每次你哭的时候都是他抱抱你上来上去”

People always tell stories of the dead to keep them alive, that was something I wrote a while ago and it's true, you know. Every time I talk to my grandaunt and granduncle, I always find a little bit of my grandfather's stories within our conversations. Listening to old stories and recollections always has this effect on me, like the memories are being ingrained in us the more we talk about it. It is almost very cathartic in a weird way. 

All in all, it's been a good Saturday away from the city and immersing myself with the good company of family.

It is always good to feel at home and at ease.

Wern Han Turns 22!

There are only a few friends that I've met here in Melbourne that I'm so glad to find true friendships in and God seemed to have blessed me greatly in this department, because the Choo siblings are one of them. 

It's been a year since we started to get to know each other and shout out to Wern for being my saviour during our summer school, coming up to my apartment to kill the huge bugs flying around. We've shared countless of fun memories throughout the year and having him roll around on my apartment floor laughing so hard he cried, that night on Kai's birthday, is a sight I will never forget. 

I think, one of my favourite memories of us will always be the one that we still laugh about till today - our valentine's day dinner at Killiney's Kopitiam during summer school. It was meant to be a dinner, which didn't occur to us that we coincidentally fixed it on valentine's day itself. And we still laugh about the time where that lady tried to sell us roses and we so cooly brushed it off. Twice. I also joke about how after that crappy dinner at Killiney's, I wanted froyo but you said it was too far a walk and we should just go home and continue studying.

  

Thank you for also spending your first hour of being 22 walking with Bel over to my place to come and get me because I felt really unsafe in my apartment after everything that had happened the past couple of days. 

See, I am always stuck whenever I'm in a situation where I need help, so I stare at my contacts list for far too long, scroll my whatsapp conversation list way too down and I can still never seem to find that one friend whom I can call for help. Thankfully, I've got these 3 people that were so ready to help me out immediately. 

"Pack whatever shit you need to stay safe and come down. We're reaching soon."

Happy Birthday, Wern. I always get nagged at for being too emotional, too soft and always being too nice to people who don't even deserve it. But thank you for being you- your honesty, reliability and words you can give to me as a friend is something I am always so grateful for. I am so happy for you because you finally got the girl of your dreams, that you so patiently waited for and sought after with such certainty. I have never seen someone so certain of someone at the age of 21. I am constantly amazed whenever I see you two together now. 

You have taught me many small but impactful lessons, through your actions and the way you handle situations in your life. One thing, I think, that I've learned from you is that good things happen to good people in time to come. Your level of patience and determination is something that I really need to start acquiring, so thank you for showing me that these characteristics are essential in conquering whatever things life may throw at you. 

Stay rad, stay fab Wernie. 

Rock on. 

OMW

Recently I've met a few people that have told me that they've been keeping up with this space and my... rambles. It's always heartwarming to know people actually bother to check up on this dying space and my crappy attempt at trying to be coherent with my shit. Thanks guys, y'all the real MVPs. 

I'm trying to keep this space solely for things that keep my motivated, inspired and life lessons, you know, that kind of stuff. But honestly, I've been in a rut. 

It's been a long time since I've been motivated to write something interesting and lively because all I've been typing down into my other (more private and full of emotional shit) dumping-ground-blog is, emotional shit. Sad emotional shit. 

There's no point sharing sad stuff twice on two platforms right? That's just multiplying the sadness, which is completely unnecessary.  

The good thing is, I've decided to get my shit together! I'm using the word "shit" more than I actually should but my vocabulary is limited. I'm sorry. 

I've been trying to work on some things for this blog and putting together videos to actually make this space a bit more aesthetically pleasing because right now it's just flooded with words words words and MORE WORDS. I get tired of reading sentences too, so I thought perhaps some videos/photos in the next few posts would help. 

Thanks for sticking it out with my y'all. It's been a rough semester, lol just like any other semester.... and I'm also in the midst of trying to make adult-like decisions like where the hell do I go after graduating, that kind of life decisions... agh. 

2k16 is a little rough right now, but I'm hanging in there!! Be right back with some more interesting, colourful posts guys. I've been too much of a dull person the past couple of months. 

An Attempt At Structuring Things

BODY.

1. 

When they called me regarding the PO, my excitement only lasted for a short while and to be honest, to be very honest, if I were to see myself heading back there for work, I'd dread it almost every day. But I'm glad they called. Because this is exactly what I wanted the day I signed myself up for this internship. My efforts weren't put to waste, so this is what I wanted. I should be content. I am, I am, I am. I am enough. 

Tonight I am so overwhelmed by the sudden outpour of concern and love from the people in my life. An acquaintance- a uni senior, caught up with me over text and was nothing but supportive, in terms of encouraging me in my studies to my new apartment and settling down, to job offers in the future. I also shared the good news to whoever I thought helped me pull through the internship- very important people, and I am just so grateful and to be honest, pleasantly surprised by all their supportive messages and calls. External validation isn't something that I crave for, but all these affirmations from these various friends and family members have been nothing but wonderful. I never knew that sharing good news with friends can trigger such reactions from them. 

2. 

I've finally settled into my new apartment and everything is starting to fall into place and hopefully by the end of the weekend, I will be able to fully settle in. I've filled up the fridge with some of my favourite things that I've missed so dearly and there is just something fulfilling about running errands and making a space feel a little like home. 

3. 

Tonight when Jodie and I were shopping, we went to 3 different supermarkets to try to find our favourite Peach and Mango Lipton Tea, but the first 2 supermarkets we went to didn't carry them anymore. 

And similar to the time when my favourite muesli went out of production, how I constantly gave up looking down the cereal aisle by the second time I couldn't find it, I did the same with the tea by the second supermarket we went to. 

But friends like Jodie, they are the ones that drag my hand down the cereal aisle and constantly tell me, "you can find it if you look hard enough. Let's just try walking down the aisle one more time." Keep looking, keep trying.  

By the third supermarket we went to, obviously defeated, I didn't expect much when we walked down the tea aisle. Just like how I expected it to be, the tea wasn't there. "Out of production la," I said. "It's sad how you take these things for granted. You think that they would be in your life for a little longer, but then suddenly one day you come back for it but it's gone. For good." I scoffed a bit, and laughed at how things could become so deep so quick over our fricking favourite tea going out of stock. 

Then suddenly Jodie excitedly shouted for me, "Look! The new tea is on sale!" You see, Jodie and I LOVE aesthetically pleasing packaging on food, and when visiting the tea aisle in 2 different supermarkets, we noticed this new range of teas that Twinnings released, and wanted to try them. But we didn't let go of the hope of finding the peach and mango tea and the new twinnings tea were slightly out of our budget, so we joked and said, "buy when it goes on sale." 

We quickly grabbed the new twinnings tea and got all excited to try the new tea. I turned my head to the direction where all the Lipton tea boxes were arranged at and I told Jodie, "I guess this is life telling us when one door closes, another will open up. See? Like better tasting tea and more aesthetically pleasing packaging will come to us. ON SALE SOMEMORE!!!!" 

She laughed and told me, "So sometimes you gotta let go of things that might never come back, despite it being your favourite. And for all you know, there'll be better things waiting for you just around the corner, like this tea! Just search hard enough and be patient." 

#mcnuggetsofwisdom attained from going to the supermarket thrice in a day searching for tea.

Also, I guess it's like what they always say?? Third time's a charm. Ha.

4. 

Hearing from someone that you have been missing is always pleasant. It's been a while since there has been nothing but well wishes and honest words. It is everything I miss and it's nice to know that they still care about how you've been doing and cannot be happier when you've achieved something so great with their help. 

CONCLUSION. I

Tonight just further emphasised how it has always been you. 

CONCLUSION. II

It has been a rough start to my day, with Mum and Josh leaving, crying on my bed watching the small uber car icon on google maps move slowly away from me on my phone. Rachel, you always love to set yourself up in situations to make yourself feel even worse , Jodie always tells me. However, the evening had a wonderful turn to it and I found myself tearing up because of all the love I've been receiving from everyone and how everything seems to be finding its place here and there. It's not quite right yet with things, but baby steps right? 

If people have that much faith in me, I guess I should start believing in myself a little bit more.

Here goes nothing -deep breath-

An Affinity With Eights: 821 / 809A / Unit 8

So today I moved out of one of the very few places that I've managed to call home here in Melbourne. 

4 hours. 

That's all it took to pack up and get out. I was angry at first, dashing for everything that I could claim as mine, reluctant to leave it behind despite having more than one rice cooker back at our new place. I simply could not let them have it. I didn't want to lose. For every pot, every utensil that I decided to keep and rip out from the cabinets they have lived in for the last year, it felt like I was collecting small bits of my dignity and pride, as if this were to tell them, look at how empty you are now that I am gone. You needed me. 

It's been an exhausting day for everyone, especially mum, Josh and myself. Before heading to bed tonight, I gently scooted over to Josh's side and thanked him for helping me pack and move. He nudged my stomach lightly and grunted. That was his way of saying you're welcome. 

When mum and I were laying in the dark, I thanked her for powering through the afternoon on barely any rest from our flight back to Melbourne, and she nagged on about things to get from the supermarket tomorrow and how I should be acting around my new housemate, girl ah, next time be a bit cleaner, he's a nice boy, you must learn how to accommodate and understand...That was her way of saying you're welcome.

Truth be told, I've been working and packing the whole day without even thinking. Finally at 3:08 am, I am finally having some time to collect all my emotions and letting reality settle in that these white walls I am staring at are no longer the ones at uropa. My view isn't the skyline of the city and the balcony can no longer see beautiful sunrises and sunsets. 

I miss every bit of that place. Not only because of its physicalities, but also because of the absurd amount of memories created in there. I can't even begin listing them. I am afraid I might start crying and my heart will feel heavier than it already is. I know it's terrible placing sentimental value in something so vast, so fleeting and so concrete. 809A will never budge, but I will move one day, thus depositing so many memories in there will eventually come back and haunt me if I were to ever step in that unit again. 

This new place is ... familiar, but it doesn't feel like home. It's still unsettling. I still feel uneasy and unable to fall asleep on this weird bed that is now mine, and this view that isn't the city skyline. Perhaps this is what first nights feel like. I've forgotten. 

The only reason why I'm up writing this is because my heart is heavy and unsettled and there's that weird sick feeling in my stomach. Maybe it was having dinner at 12:30 am that's causing all this discomfort. It's that feeling as though this space isn't mine to occupy and I'm just borrowing a few square metres of this area to hold in all my shit I've accumulated the past 4 years here. To also hold all the contents of myself in this space, denoted by square metres, and the rental of this space to be paid on the 25th of every month. 

Perhaps it's the overwhelming feeling when recalling today's moving situation: 4 of my girlfriends and my new housemate frantically moving boxes and just things up and down from my apartment to the car and from the car to my new apartment. Some of them lugging empty luggages over to my apartment just to help fit more of my shit and all walking over to my new apartment with all of my shit because the car was too full of shit that it couldn't fit any of us anymore. Seeing Jodie rush over to meet me after school, helping to basically unpack and organise my whole room, was a sight which reminded myself that these friends are true gems in my life. I don't deserve any of this kindness, I am so full of shit most of the time it was hard to digest everyone's selflessness and willingness to help me out today. 

Perhaps it was also the moment when I saw my mother falling asleep on the couch, lightly snoring. It is then I realised that she had barely enough sleep on the plane ride to Melbourne earlier on, but was quick to help pack up my whole house in the afternoon with no breakfast, no lunch and no coffee. A mother's love is deeply moving and so, so selfless. It should never be underestimated. I recall that night that I fell into her arms and sobbed my eyes out, heaving into her wet shirt, because I was so bummed out about this moving situation, losing a close friend and was overwhelmed by guilt that she had to come over, but she hugged me and stroked my head, as if I was 9 again, and told me that it was going to be okay. She will help me. 

So tonight, I am going to head to bed telling myself that it is going to be okay. Mum and josh and all these wonderful friends are here to help me. This place will soon feel a little more like home soon. 

I would like to say I'm homeisck but I'm not sure where is home anymore. 

Seventeen And You've Grown.

five & one.

you were pulling and tugging

my hair like my temper

was short 

you were always cutting it close 

with your carelessness 

with my impatience 

you are still my little brother. 

eighteen & fourteen.

your voice changed

I was away from home and had my heart broken

you would think now that you could swing your arms around me- 

I'd treat you like your age

I was barely there and now when I try to recall 

it's almost like trying to rewind an old cassette video tape recording 

staring hard at the tv screen 

with occasional fuzzy black and white lines in between snippets of our bickering,

our laughter muffled by scratchy sounds from 

everything falling apart,

"you were never there" 

"you were never home"

you are still my little brother. 

twenty one & seventeen. 

we have slaved ourselves to vices 

sticking to the sibling code of conduct:

diss but never tattle

last night like a deer caught in headlights,

she found out.

we had this conversation that I never thought I would have with someone 

only seventeen

someone that is in the same plight. 

I didn't shower and you didn't fall asleep,

even though I smelled like steamboat and cigarettes and you had work the next day. 

I remember looking at you,

finding it hard recognising sadness in your eyes-

they were always either emotionless or excited. 

It was never emotional with you 

restrictive, bounded and built like a man.

last night felt like we were tearing at the seams

I told you with nothing but conviction,

"you have such capacity to say these words that you said at 

only seventeen, 

that I could never have done when I was seventeen." 

I could have never done the same.

Have you ever felt respect for your younger sibling? 

It's a bit weird because they were always

bratty, childish and sometimes almost stupid. 

Last night's conversation was something that kept playing at the back of my head when I was trying to fall asleep 

while trying to be an older sister

I have come to realise

you are still my little brother, 

but

boy, have you grown up. 

Like The Breeze, The Thoughts Of You Come To Me

Today, while crossing the road, I noticed a young girl probably in her first year of secondary school, dressed in a skirt way below knee length and socks perfectly above her ankles. She was walking towards the train station with her grandfather, who had the typical friendly ah gong face and was holding her violin while she carried a stack of folders in her arms. He probably went to pick her up from school, I thought to myself.  And just for a moment, my thoughts went back to my grandfather.

Many times, when popo and I talk about gong gong, it was always about the way he used to spoil me when I was a kid by buying me ice cream before dinner. His bad temper. His sickness. His failure as a father. 

Sometimes, if I try to think hard enough, I'll recall the letter I wrote him with tear stains smudging the ink off the lines on my foolscap paper, begging him to come visit me in my dreams. That letter I wrote to him and left it on his coffin when everyone else left him flowers. The angels will translate my English into hokkien right? I was fourteen years old. 

I will also vividly remember the hot afternoons he used to come down to my place and visit me with a whole box of paus, and longans - if I was lucky enough. And that one sweltering afternoon I wanted to pump air into my bike tyres but we couldn't find a nearby bicycle shop so we he pushed my bike around the whole Joo Chiat area, under the hot sun and never once did he complain that he was too tired. 

From time to time, I'll miss you. And at that split second when I was crossing the road, watching granddaughter and grandfather, I remembered you. The rings on your fingers. Your strong scent. Your pack of cigarettes. Sometimes, a soft whisper of your voice would resound in my head. 

It's been 6 years and death works in a funny way, we talk about the dead as a weak attempt to try to keep them alive. Your stories were never great; they were always about the mistakes you made or how the richer siblings took advantage of your kindness. But they were stories of you after all. 

Popo once told me, "your gong gong never knew the right ways to show his love for his family. But somehow with you, he did it right. He loved you the most, you should know that."

Some days more than the others, I wonder how it would be like if you could see me now. Would you still love me the same? I would still have your weekly visits and hot steaming paus to look forward to, and probably better conversations with you.

Y3S1 Mid Sem Shenanigans

Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you are your own individual person and there is no need to latch yourself onto someone or something or some sort of ideal that you desire for. It's always the case where I find myself stuck in the situation of always being "too nice" and I'm over being that one friend that would risk everything and anything for everyone and giving my heart back so easily to people that have hurt me before. So here's a playlist, future Rachel, to remind yourself that the best decisions you've made are those that were based off what you wanted, what you felt was right, what you contemplated on independently. 

I am my own person I am my own person I am my own person I say this over and over again and please start to believe it. 

(I apologize for the lack of updates, I've been so busy with work and unnecessary shit)