F A T H E R , F A T H E R

It has been 5 days of good quality time spent with my dad.

Throughout these 5 days, I've seen how he lives alone in a foreign country, how he skimps on the taxi fare (which is already cheap because we're in KL) and how he spends his free time roaming around the malls in the city which are accessible via LRT or simply by walking. I've also seen where he eats during his lunch break, how he mops his floor every morning before breakfast and how he collects a shitload of tissue from his office toilets to save on buying paper towels from the supermarket. 

Through all these little instances, I've seen how vulnerable and lonely it can be for a man who puts family first above everything, to be out here, 355km away from home. 

There are many things I would like to say to my father, and some of them I still can't string into proper sentences. It might take me weeks, months or years, even. But on the first night I was there, perhaps it was the tiredness from the travelling and working, or maybe mum said some things to him about me, but whatever it was, over roasted duck and fried vermicelli, we shared a good yet heated conversation about his life, his marriage, and my goals. I don't ever want to forget that night because I know a conversation like that is hard to come by, especially with my father since he's a man of few words. I felt like we've reached a few agreements here and there, and tried to understand each other from our own perspectives. Prior to this, it was mentioned to me that I had to learn how to reconcile certain conflicts I've had with myself for a long time, and many of them were related to communication breakdowns between my family. It's not something glorious to put out here, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that faces this issue. Over that dinner, I can say that I've managed to come to terms with certain issues and learned how to effectively communicate with my dad. Whether or not it was by luck, or that he was in a good mood, it was the first time in a long time that we actually conversed. 

Conversations are a two-way thing, you see. A lot of times, it was mostly one-way and I never wanted to listen. Even if I did, I would make a problem out of nothing which essentially made me blame myself for causing even more trouble. This time around, we took the time to listen what the other person had to say and we filled up our conversation with "I understand what you mean" and "I get where you're coming from", instead of constantly shushing or disagreeing with the other person. If there's anything that I want to remember about that night, it would be the time when we were on the escalator after our long talk, and my dad took a deep breath, almost sounding like a burden was lifted off his chest and said, "ah, that was a good conversation, right?" He smiled. 

We shared a couple of good laughs and jokes as well, throughout the 5 days. And I cannot be any happier that I decided to go over with my dad to KL. Restoring this relationship is something that I have always wanted to do but never saw a right time to do it. I never knew how, either. Up till now, I still don't know how I managed to garner up sufficient courage to voice out my opinions and correct him if he was wrong on certain issues that evening, but I do know now, that my voice is not that insignificant and that I can be heard, too. 

It has been 5 days of good quality time spent with my dad. One last important thing I've come to terms with after a long, long time is that - he is only human, too. 

ALL WAYS, ALWAYS.

As much as I try my best to sound as well versed, there are some things that come out as utter word vomit mixed up with a chunk of emotions. This post is just one of them.

Within the next few months, the lives of the most important friends I have around me are going to change drastically. With university life coming right at them, locally or internationally, the level of uncertainty is so high and I'm not too sure if I can take this all in, sit down and be okay with it.

Eventually, I know we are all going to be alright. Because that's just how things are, right? We throw ourselves into a completely new environment, after years of being stuck in our individual comfort zones, and then we scramble and fall a bit - but all will eventually come to pass. We'll be able to breathe and feel comfortable in our own skin again. 

 

The past few weeks, we have been spending almost every day with each other as if we can't go a day without meeting up. It's obsessive and possessive, but we always laugh it off claiming "people don't understand this friendship". 

We've all been friends for almost 8 years and counting now, and it just keeps getting better. I'm so blessed to have met everyone, and being able to reach the highest level of friendship - openly saying whatever is on our minds without having to filter, and not being afraid to reveal our emotions to one another. It's terribly hard to keep things from these people and the biggest take away from this trip back home is that if I were to ever have the whole world turn against me for whatever reason, having this group of friends around me will be enough for me to be okay with things. 

A lesson I learnt the previous semester is that not everyone is on the same wavelength. With people and their motives, the relationships established outside may not always be the most trustworthy and people get hurt. I got hurt. Thus, thinking about the situation if the world turned their backs against me, all I ever really need is this group of friends where I find the utmost comfort, joy and pride in. I will always be okay. 

 

Of course not forgetting my other TK girls being my rocks for the past 8 years or so, constantly being so supportive and overall such amazing friends. I cannot feel more blessed.

I know I might sound dramatic but these friends really are the ones that I always run to when things go awry and I can never imagine anything else different from this. It's been a great holiday being able to meet up and pick up right from where we left off, without any weird silences or hesitations. It has always been this way, and I'm sure it will continue to be like this. 

Tonight, we all sent Jodie off to Melbourne. Goodbye is never easy, espeically with uncertainty attached to it. We all don't know when we can gather like this again, because everyone will be heading off to different universities all over the world in the next 2 months. We've #YOLOed to the best of our abilities, and I have no regrets. The Melbourne Hoes Holiday, the suppers, the car rides and the jokes. 4 Fingers, Or Lua, wet from sweat, dou dou, stfu alpha male, zoukboo alumbraboo siambu and jiu mei... the list goes on and now I can't stop laughing at my screen because I'm thinking about the jokes. 

I'm lucky because I get to have Jodie with me in the same school and same country during my final year in Melbourne. Honestly, I haven't felt this stoked to go back to Melbourne ever since the first time leaving for Melbourne to start Trinity College. Guess it's been a long time since I've felt like I'm going back there for something, or someone. Like there's finally a legitimate motivating reason to head back. 

Next up, it'll be my departure followed by Jamie's and then Marcus being the last out of the clan to leave the homeland. It's such a morbid thought, and we always keep telling ourselves that we'll let it sink in when it comes. Later, later, later. But we all know it's coming. Fast. And with all the ambiguity about the next time everyone heads back to Singapore, it feels as though the next time we meet will be in a very long while. 

Anyway, this post just gets more depressing as each paragraph gets written down. It's 3:40 am now, and I hope I have managed to accurately convey this mess of thoughts and feelings that have been camping inside of me the past couple of weeks. 

Tonight, watching Jodie walk into the departure gates alone just made everything feel more real, and that this is actually happening. Goodbyes and see you soons are going to be said over and over again and I have to be okay with it. Even if I'm not, I have to learn because it's been 3 years of constantly being TOO CLOSE and then TOO FAR from familiarity, and if I don't master the art of adaptation soon, missing familiarity is really not the best thing to feel. 

You all know who you are, and if you didn't already know this: 
I will always come back to you guys. No matter how great the distance, I find home in every single one of you. You have my heart. All ways, always. 

B A N G K O K C L E A N S E (三)

It's almost like a must-do when travelling different countries to visit their respective Chinatown, especially when I'm on a family holiday. My parents love it. Bangkok's Chinatown was a mixture of warm-coloured neon Chinese and Thai signboards, all stacked on top or behind each other. It was filled with overpowering stimuli, just like anywhere else in Bangkok, really. (Seems as though that's mainly the way I describe Bangkok to be: stimulus stimulus stimulus) It's just hard to take in that much sensory exposure in such a short amount of time, immersing in the atmosphere may be a little too intense to really comprehend everything. The only thing I knew that I was immersing in was the freaking 35 degree heat in Chinatown.

To fully experience the liveliness when in Chinatown, night time is generally the best time to be there. The streets are extra crowded, with stall vendors shouting out their menus, streets flooded with foldable tables and chairs occupying almost every lane off the main road. We went there once in the evening and decided on going back there again to see what Chinatown was like in the day. 

B A N G K O K C L E A N S E (二)

Chatuchak Market.  I don't even know where to start about how I feel towards this market.

1. It's HUGE. Just google up the map of the market and be prepared to be blown away. 

2. It's always crowded and hot.

3. They have these pet sections (soi 8, 9, 11, 13) that really irks me and it's really disheartening how tourists would think this is "cute" or acceptable for them to treat the animals like that, with such crappy living conditions. All that rant for another day.

4. They also have clothing sections like soi 5 & 6, which are my heaven. 

5. Soi 6 is my top favourite because there are just heaps of vintage clothes to plough through each store. 

6. Coconut ice cream and the duck leg noodles make the trip here all worth it. 

7. Bargaining allowed. (even though I am shit at it, it's always a plus to be able to pull out the still-a-student-so-im-still-broke card. It works on some of them)

B A N G K O K C L E A N S E (一)

I'm back! Finally finding the time to update this space after exams and a shitty semester. All that aside with my semester's reflections chucked into another post, I've been meaning to blog about my short trip to Bangkok last week. 

I made a mental note to learn how to use the complicated DSLR, in order to try to take some nice pictures while in Bangkok. It's never too late to try, right? Countless of times when we're on a family trip, it was always my dad that had the handycam permanently glued to his right hand. But as he's grown older and we've grown up, he now uses his right hand to hold onto my mother's shoulders for support because of his hip and knee problems acting up, due to the excessive walking in Bangkok. Hence, Josh and I decided to step up our photography game by just a bit. Documenting travels is not an easy feat. 

It's not much, and I wasn't expecting much, but I just wanted to capture and process photos that were reminiscent to the things we felt and saw in Bangkok, despite the short trip.