As much as I try to keep this space a place where I write about happier things and better days, it's hard. It was a bad day yesterday, with shitty feelings, tears and all. Called my mum up in desperation to try to talk things out with a mature adult with a bigger perspective than mine. But the thing is, when talking to a mature adult with a bigger perspective than yours, is that no matter how nicely they try to phrase things, it just makes you feel as though your feelings are completely irrelevant and it!! will!! all!! be!! okay!! soon!!!!!! A little bit of the whole "Ah, we've been there done that, kid. You'll turn out fine." My problem with that sentence/attitude is that YES OKAY I get that you've been there, which is essentially where I am - HERE, so please enlighten me how do I get OUT of here?
I'm not trying to say that mum was shit at hearing me out, if anything, ever since I told her more about everything that has been going through my mind since June/July this year, we've never been closer. Mum's a great listener and comforter, but I just couldn't place a finger as to how I felt the whole day yesterday. It was kind of like waking up on the wrong side of the bed, with these thoughts that were constantly pushed allllll the way to the back of my head suddenly deciding to roll out, sweep the dust off themselves and try to occupy 99.9999% of my mind again. Absolute shit.
Fast forward to today, I was hanging out with Jean and she brought up a question that really got me thinking, when you're having a bad day, what is your remedy? What do you do to make yourself feel better?
My answer was simple, really. I don't.
It was something I never really observed about myself, that whenever I was feeling shit about something, I would always find ways to make myself feel worse. Is this even something sane to do? I don't even know, haha. Be it watching 10 sad Thai film advertisements, or crying through a sad Korean film, or eating out of the ice cream tub, I would do anything that made myself feel worse, and allow everything to amplify throughout my body and my mind......... as though it was sort of self-inflicted?
Jean kept quiet for a while after hearing my answer and said, "but there must be something that would help you feel better again!" Sleep, of course. Or hanging out with my friends, if I was in the mood to. Reflecting on those 2 solutions trying to alleviate the shittiness, it could essentially be summarized into 1 theme: distractions - which I'm still trying to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing for me.
Anyway, like I said yesterday to my mum on the phone while trying to hold back the tears, "On most days I am okay with how things are with me and how things are around me. But on some days, like today, I'm not. I feel as though I'm the one with the problem, and there's nothing I can do to change that."
I always tell myself that in order to feel like I am the catastrophe, I am the mess or I am the problem, there must be a degree of self-indulgence and obsession, right? It's funny because for someone that has little to no self-worth/confidence, to be able to constantly think about myself is such a sickening thing to do. NTS: This thought has officially resurfaced, welcome back lol. All in all, it's still a loooong process y'all, of trying to figure things out. Yesterday felt like 10 steps backwards for me, which was disappointing, given all the progress that I thought I've made so far.
But like all other bad days, it will really come to pass. I had a great dinner with some wonderful friends last night and had a food coma afterwards. I also woke up early today, made it to church, hung out with Jean, Kai came over to watch Unbreakable and I had homecooked Indian dinner courtesy of Arjun's mum and grandma to finish off the day. I'm okay now, like the other 99% of the time, with how things are.
I've also planned out my week and hopefully I'll be able to stick to it. The feeling of being able to strike things off your To-Do list has got to be one of the best feelings, in my opinion. And this week, I'm all about that good vibes. :-) Bad days come and go, and I guess looking through these Tulip Festival photos remind me that bad days kind of make the good days seem even better, you know? (Without the bitter the sweet isn't as sweet type of thing)
Rant over, thanks for sticking through this post, y'all. Cheers to the better days ahead!
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