I think when something is so painful and requires a lot from you to get through it, once you've passed it, you can't help but have that whole torturous process ingrained at the back of your head. Like a milestone. I can still remember how shit it was to go through every exam period in university, O levels, inter-school competition and training... something like that.
I think one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had so far in my short 20 years of living would be the terrible case of tonsillitis that I caught this time last year. It feels almost a bit like celebrating a little anniversary or some sort, you know? Like yay! Congrats, it's been a year since you've fallen so ill until you couldn't stand straight without the room spinning! Good job!
Looking back on this experience 1 year later - because let's face it, we all tend to subconsciously (or consciously) look back on painful experiences that have passed and relish in the fact that we've come so far ever since. I still feel grateful, content and somehow just filled with God's grace again. One of the greatest takeaways from it was that I had a close encounter with God, and I know I turn my back against religion quite often throughout my life, including this year, but somehow, thinking and reminding myself about this experience always sets me back onto the right path.
It seems as though this time of the year has been especially blessed with God's grace or something (woah holy holy). I half kid, but the other half of me is actually serious about it. Because the last 2 weeks I've been struggling terribly with internship applications and I was never the kind to brush things like rejections off like dust so easily. So the last 2 weeks included crazy studying for exams (which I am currently in the midst of), sending out about a total of 20/30 emails out to firms, and crying after receiving rejection emails because I tend to be too hopeful and optimistic about these type of things. Which is quite funny, really.
So mum kept bugging me to keep applying but at the same time, "don't forget to pray, Rachel." x10000 times. I got annoyed for a while because it's not that I haven't been praying. I just didn't understand why God wasn't listening. Till one Sunday, I went to church and had a mini revelation after the sermon, which evidently proved to be really good - I was praying wrongly. Too often we pray with us being the center of the prayer. Of course I would pray for God to give me this internship. Or if that didn't work out, please give me this other one because I really tried my best, God you know it.
It became me praying about what I wanted God to do in my life, instead of fully surrendering it to him. Very often, that's the case when we think we're fully capable on our own and God would just aid us in providing some sort of divine intervention to steer us into the direction that WE want. When I was down with tonsillitis, it was somewhat easier for me to surrender everything into God's hands because I was physically immobile, physically incapable of doing things that I wanted to do i.e. eat/stand/walk/study. It was easy for me to wake up and go: God, please if it is Your will, help me.
So I went home and prayed differently ever since that sermon. I stopped asking God to let me have xxx internship, or asking him to give me an internship opportunity from places that I specifically wanted. Instead, it was a lot of surrendering and asking God to show me HIS way instead of constantly trying to make things go MY way. His will be done, y'all. It was never my will. On some days, it really is hard trying to have faith and believing that God has other plans for you that will not only be good for you but will prosper for you, especially after receiving rejection emails after rejection emails. It sucks. But I really do make it a conscious effort to fervently pray for God to show me bit by bit, the plans that He has for me.
And 2 weeks later, after praying differently and learning how to deal with rejections - I had my first internship offer made to me yesterday. And to many non-believers, I would guess that this small milestone would be attested by pure luck and sheer effort of constantly sending out emails. Because, the more you send, the more likely you will get an offer! But I know that's not the case, even though it may seem like it. I know that in some way or another, God has indeed worked his way and revealed perhaps, a tiiiiiny bit of what He wants and what I am to do in the near future.
It's still unclear if I will take up this offer, as I'm still waiting on other internships, but internship applications and interviews were giving me anxiety and causing so much stress during the last 2 weeks, and finally, God has kind of put it to rest. Thank God.
I always ask myself why does it take some sort of hardship like my tonsillitis and internship applications for me to really see God working in my life, and being so ignorant and blind to other small things that He might be doing in my life every day? It's hard to constantly attribute your success to God - perhaps because you can't see Him, and it's so much easier and natural to attribute your success to your own effort and special talents. And if things don't work out the way you want them to, it's easy to blame people or blame God for not having things your way.
Here's a little something I wrote on my old blog when I was reflecting back on the experience of fighting tonsillitis so far away from home:
I've learnt so much over the last 2 weeks, and it has really indeed drawn me closer back to God. So that's why I was saying this time of the year somewhat feels like a "big lesson-learning" time more than anything else. First it was tonsillitis, and now, it's internship applications. It may be a little issue in retrospect, but sometimes it's these things that you go through that shape you, teach you how to come out a little bit stronger and builds up a little bit more faith in God. I'm glad I got my lesson this time around.
I took some notes down to remind myself about how I should pray and here it is:
Now I'm just excited, waiting to see what God has in store for me.
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