+++ surplus +++

It's simple economics. If you have excessive supply - too much to give, too much of you (the skin and the fats that drape all over your body), the demand will never be optimal. "Too emotional." "Too tall." "Too big." "Too rough as a girl." "Too nice." If you draw the graph up and look at the figures: 174 cm, uk10-12, 41 ... let's not even get to what my weight is because that is a fucking exuberant amount. 

All my life I've been told that I've been in excess. And so I wish for the day there will be a demand that meets this excess supply. People naturally seem to gravitate towards the things that are limited in supply. If it's a love that is hard to get, people go crazy over that challenge. The lesser your tummy rolls, the lesser the cellulite, you will be more desirable. That is probably why I am never wanted enough in these ways. Because what I have is too much in supply. It becomes a waste.

I ache for a love that I have never received, and the validation that I've been struggling to find in everything else but myself. I am always half empty, finding means and ways to empty everything else from inside of me because I am too much, always too much. 

Self-love is foreign and complicated. The hair on my arms stand when I think about loving any part of myself. My fingers are unable to tie the words "self" and "love" together on the keyboard without my mind denying any truth that that word might have on me. 

For someone to be told their whole life that they are in excess, it is funny how I feel inadequate with everything that is seen as excessive.

I have been sleeping too much and it is evidently proving no good. 

NTS: To be deleted. 
Because bad thoughts should not cloud up empty spaces.