It has been 5 days of good quality time spent with my dad.
Throughout these 5 days, I've seen how he lives alone in a foreign country, how he skimps on the taxi fare (which is already cheap because we're in KL) and how he spends his free time roaming around the malls in the city which are accessible via LRT or simply by walking. I've also seen where he eats during his lunch break, how he mops his floor every morning before breakfast and how he collects a shitload of tissue from his office toilets to save on buying paper towels from the supermarket.
Through all these little instances, I've seen how vulnerable and lonely it can be for a man who puts family first above everything, to be out here, 355km away from home.
There are many things I would like to say to my father, and some of them I still can't string into proper sentences. It might take me weeks, months or years, even. But on the first night I was there, perhaps it was the tiredness from the travelling and working, or maybe mum said some things to him about me, but whatever it was, over roasted duck and fried vermicelli, we shared a good yet heated conversation about his life, his marriage, and my goals. I don't ever want to forget that night because I know a conversation like that is hard to come by, especially with my father since he's a man of few words. I felt like we've reached a few agreements here and there, and tried to understand each other from our own perspectives. Prior to this, it was mentioned to me that I had to learn how to reconcile certain conflicts I've had with myself for a long time, and many of them were related to communication breakdowns between my family. It's not something glorious to put out here, but I'm sure I'm not the only one that faces this issue. Over that dinner, I can say that I've managed to come to terms with certain issues and learned how to effectively communicate with my dad. Whether or not it was by luck, or that he was in a good mood, it was the first time in a long time that we actually conversed.
Conversations are a two-way thing, you see. A lot of times, it was mostly one-way and I never wanted to listen. Even if I did, I would make a problem out of nothing which essentially made me blame myself for causing even more trouble. This time around, we took the time to listen what the other person had to say and we filled up our conversation with "I understand what you mean" and "I get where you're coming from", instead of constantly shushing or disagreeing with the other person. If there's anything that I want to remember about that night, it would be the time when we were on the escalator after our long talk, and my dad took a deep breath, almost sounding like a burden was lifted off his chest and said, "ah, that was a good conversation, right?" He smiled.
We shared a couple of good laughs and jokes as well, throughout the 5 days. And I cannot be any happier that I decided to go over with my dad to KL. Restoring this relationship is something that I have always wanted to do but never saw a right time to do it. I never knew how, either. Up till now, I still don't know how I managed to garner up sufficient courage to voice out my opinions and correct him if he was wrong on certain issues that evening, but I do know now, that my voice is not that insignificant and that I can be heard, too.
It has been 5 days of good quality time spent with my dad. One last important thing I've come to terms with after a long, long time is that - he is only human, too.
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